Mars’ Hill Reviews: campus bathrooms
By Kirsten McAllister
At Trinity Western University we acknowledge the diversity of students that tread our turf, but what we sometimes forget is the many varieties of bathrooms that are sprinkled across our campus. However, not all bathrooms are equal, and I wanted to know just how so, and to what extent. The following is a record of the spectrum of experiences to be had in the ladies’ and uni-sex lavatories at TWU. Although every bathroom is equally important, I have only the space here to focus on the hidden gems and really dirty Deborahs that we frequent daily.
The TWUSA bathroom: 6/10
We will begin with the place that anyone who has had one too many TWUSA coffees will know intimately. The most spacious restroom we will visit is conveniently located at the centre of campus, this bathroom can double as change room, or the venue for a swift, silent dance party between classes. But like the rest, it has its flaws. If you happen to use the toilet on a day that it hasn’t flooded, you probably still should never ever touch the floor around the bowl, which is always glazed in a light sprinkling that has somehow escaped.
This bathroom constitutes the greatest anomaly of my life’s bathroom experiences. There are three stalls to choose from and each will provide you with the experience of what it feels like to be at least 6’3″. If you are of Dutch descent, privacy only between the knees and the shoulders can be guaranteed. Fair warning: if you choose the far stall, mind the lock (though you will probably knock off its hinge anyway), and if you choose the middle, try not to look to the left or to the right so that you poke in on your shy neighbours. But limited privacy and mild embarrassment doesn’t have to be a downer; tell a joke about the tiny toilet you are using, and use this as an opportunity to meet new people!
The Gym bathroom: 8/10
“Which one?” you might ask, and there is no easy answer to this. While the lobby bathroom is your quickest option for a change room before you hit the gym, only do so if you are not environmentally concerned by ultra sensitive toilets that will compulsively flush every time you bend over to put on a sock. If this is troubling, you might want to try the locker room stalls. While they are quieter, they are also a bit of a tight squeeze. The most forgotten option at the gym actually lies in the hallway between the two. Equipped with its five sinks, a baby changing station, and more stalls than you can count on one hand, this bathroom is designed for you and all of your friends, as well as a mother and her flock of young. Finding it and remembering that it is there is your only obstacle to this pristine and hidden gem.
The Marlie Bathroom: 9/10
The diamond-studded crown of restrooms at TWU. Thrust into the furthest corner of campus, you will have to earn your luxurious relief, but this is really our magnum opus of washroom experiences. Its black granite counter top and framed pictures of Chinese calligraphy really give you the sense that this is something different, although it is ultimately its functionality that sets this lavatory apart. Between the fan, thermostat, and four rolls per stall, you can confidently and comfortably do what you came there to do.
In my journeys (which were by no means comprehensive) there was one thing that did surprise me about the TWU washroom experience. From Fraser Hall to Strombeck, not one stall had even a scrawl of the graffiti that normally provides light reading for its guest. This leaves me at a loss: if not in our school’s innermost chambers, where then are the existential crises happening at TWU?
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