“Who/What/When/Where/Why Am I?”: My Twenty-Something Experience.
Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest half of your life. – Robert Southey
This week a frightening thing is going to happen to me against my wishes; I will be turning 22 years old, and the 10 year old Tia inside of me is having a nervous breakdown.
When I was a little girl, many years ago, I had high hopes for my twenty-something self. I had my entire life worked out: who and when I would marry, where I would live, what I would do for a living, and I had appropriate “whys” worked out as well. I selected my childhood best boy friend as my appropriate mate because not only did I love spending time with him biking and swimming on hot summer days, but he was my best girlfriend’s cousin, he was Italian which brought with it a cool last name and great food, the love I had for his whole family was mutual, and I was also confident that he would eventually grow to be taller than me. I always thought that 21 would be the perfect age to get married, because I didn’t want to be too old to have fun when I got started on my 12 red-headed, half-Italian children. Sadly, I went home last Christmas, at 21, to find my childhood sweetheart engaged to another woman, and each of his charming brothers taken as well!
As a kid, I was also convinced that once I graduated from University I would be fully prepared to enter the “real world” of work and maturity and bills and mortgages (whatever those are). In the words of one of my favourite high schoolers, that’s jokes! In the fourth year of my degree, I am less certain of my vocational future now than I was when I got on the bus to go to Stanley Park in my first O-Week. I had big plans to go to the University of Toronto to study Christianity & Culture (I got one thing right), followed by either teacher’s college and a job at my old elementary school or certification in a Chaplaincy program followed by a triumphant return to my old high school where I would kick my old Chaplain out of his office so I could take over. I don’t know if I’m just immature or indecisive, or if God is leading me somewhere else, but it seems like the paths I had my heart set on even three years ago are not the ones I’m seeking anymore. It worries me sometimes, as a woman who hopes so much in God’s providence but who also loves to be sure, that maybe I have missed some important step along the way that would have led me to the door where all my plans and dreams would have come true.
Needless to say, I am not married, or even in a romantic relationship. I am pretty sure I will graduate this year, but it might take me an extra semester. And even when I do graduate, who knows what I’ll do with myself and my degree! I wonder how Tia ten years ago would take the news that I am still growing up, and still discovering God’s ultimate plan for my life even at the ripe old age of 22. The knot in my stomach sometimes suggests that perhaps I am disappointing my childhood self, my family, or even God, with my seeming inability to “pick a path and stick to it.” Luckily, I know that I was not so different then than I am now, and I know that compassionate, forgiving, and often silly 22 year old Tia and kind, hopeful, and often silly child-size Tia have a lot in common and she couldn’t possibly be too upset with me. I’m sure if I give myself another 10 years and look back at my 22 year old self, the way I look back at my 10 or 12 year old self, I’ll see that God is in fact in control and the insecurities and confusion of my plans now are nothing in the grand scheme of His plan.
Am I alone in this, Trinitarians? Let me know, and whatever you do, don’t shut up!
5: Letter to the editor. Halfway done now, here’s a hint for the final one; the money is with a person.
Nice one, Tia. I am confident God will do great things to and through you in the coming years, even if they don’t include studying in Toronto and wedding Italians.
While I feel like I have my overall career mapped out (grad school! PhD! Tenure-track job!), the thought of taking a year off is scary. I think I’m finding it difficult to rely on God in little things now, and I’m not sure what consequences that will have as I venture into the real world. Christ have mercy.
Thanks for sharing, Tia!
- Toph
You are not alone. 10-year-old Andy would be shocked at what 22-year-old Andy doesn’t know. Other 22-year-olds are also shocked at what Andy doesn’t know. I find rest in God’s grace and comfort in knowing that I will never have it all together. Once we think we’ve arrived, we diminish our need for the Other.
Keep hanging in the mercy.
Andy
Definitely, definitely not alone.
I turned 21 a couple weeks ago, and was actually just thinking back to my younger self, and I’m pretty sure that I would have thought 21 was a fine age to be married.
Yet here I am and like you, no marriage, engagement, or even romantic relationship on the horizon. I once had someone tell me that I seemed like the kind of person who had their whole life figured out. In some ways, they’re right… I mean, I’m in the nursing program, so there’s not a ton of choice there. When I graduate, I’m a nurse, and that’s all there is too it.
But as I’m discovering, that’s not even close to all there is to it. Last semester, in the middle of what’s known to be the toughtest semester of the nursing program, I was convinced that I did not want to work in a hospital for the rest of my life, and that was a little scary. I’ve always wanted to work in Africa, but what if I go there and discover that it’s not what God is calling me too? Will all my years of school go to waste?
I still don’t know exactly where I’ll end up working or what I’ll end up doing, and it has been a test of faith, but I’ve also been reassured time and time again that God has a plan for my life and that we are not called to have everything figured out, but to trust in him, one step at a time.
All that to say: no, you are not alone – there are others going through the exact same thing, and a God who has a wonderful plan for your life, which he will reveal to you when the time is right. And his timing is always perfect.
Thanks for the encouragement, Cayla! It’s been a year and a half since I wrote this blog, and your comment has hit home :)