By Connor Thiessen 


Considering the stressful events that have distastefully peppered the perennial port-o-potty we call 2016, it would seem appropriate that we set our sights on the coming years. Judging by the following completely made-up predictions about the future, it would seem as though we’ve got a lot to look forward to! So, save that un-ironically politically-charged Facebook lament for another celebrity death for later because your spirits will surely be lifted when you find out that IN THE FUTURE:



(Note: This article will be best enjoyed if you read the following predictions in a 1920s-television-announcer’s voice!)


  1. Teleportation will replace hover boards as the new douche-y mode of transportation. Nobody really wants to know about the fraction of a second it took to get you here, Travis!
  2. Baristas will wear telepathic helmets on the job, so they know your order (and the correct way to spell your name) before you even get to the counter!
  3. Dyson fans will become so minimally designed that you won’t be able to tell whether there’s a draft in the house, or a very tasteful invisible household appliance!
  4. Marvel movies will be condensed to one second clips of an angry green man in a partially-constructed Iron Man suit smacking Captain America upside the head with Thor’s hammer. The same artistic value, condensed into a far more efficient form!
  5. Trinity Western University will begin accepting body parts as alternative forms of tuition payment. An arm and a leg, indeed!
  6. Cellphones will have built-in sensors that will alert you that the sarcastic text you just sent may be in danger of being misconstrued, in case you weren’t already worried about it!
  7. Blockbuster Video stores will be restored as cultural heritage sites and end up having a better selection than Netflix Canada!
  8. The Spartan Divide will be negated on account of sporting events mostly featuring humanoid robots and neurologically-improved chimpanzees!
  9. Your nagging sense of inadequacy will continue to wreak havoc in your aging, embittered mind, despite the fact that you’ve accomplished everything that 21st-century North-American society requires to consider your existence anything other than a waste of carbon-based tissue.
  10. A new version of the Snuggie—equipped with cup holders—will sweep the nation!