By Connor Thiessen
Considering the stressful events that have distastefully peppered the perennial port-o-potty we call 2016, it would seem appropriate that we set our sights on the coming years. Judging by the following completely made-up predictions about the future, it would seem as though we’ve got a lot to look forward to! So, save that un-ironically politically-charged Facebook lament for another celebrity death for later because your spirits will surely be lifted when you find out that IN THE FUTURE:
(Note: This article will be best enjoyed if you read the following predictions in a 1920s-television-announcer’s voice!)
- Teleportation will replace hover boards as the new douche-y mode of transportation. Nobody really wants to know about the fraction of a second it took to get you here, Travis!
- Baristas will wear telepathic helmets on the job, so they know your order (and the correct way to spell your name) before you even get to the counter!
- Dyson fans will become so minimally designed that you won’t be able to tell whether there’s a draft in the house, or a very tasteful invisible household appliance!
- Marvel movies will be condensed to one second clips of an angry green man in a partially-constructed Iron Man suit smacking Captain America upside the head with Thor’s hammer. The same artistic value, condensed into a far more efficient form!
- Trinity Western University will begin accepting body parts as alternative forms of tuition payment. An arm and a leg, indeed!
- Cellphones will have built-in sensors that will alert you that the sarcastic text you just sent may be in danger of being misconstrued, in case you weren’t already worried about it!
- Blockbuster Video stores will be restored as cultural heritage sites and end up having a better selection than Netflix Canada!
- The Spartan Divide will be negated on account of sporting events mostly featuring humanoid robots and neurologically-improved chimpanzees!
- Your nagging sense of inadequacy will continue to wreak havoc in your aging, embittered mind, despite the fact that you’ve accomplished everything that 21st-century North-American society requires to consider your existence anything other than a waste of carbon-based tissue.
- A new version of the Snuggie—equipped with cup holders—will sweep the nation!