Can anybody find me somebody to man love?
How to go hetero-head over heels for your fellow man
January 23, 2007
Matt Dirato
There comes a point in every man’s life when he must ask himself an extremely important question: am I gay?
Fortunately, I asked myself this question when I was 15, which has allowed me to live a long, rich, definitively heterosexual life. But a heterosexual man doesn’t have to venture into the realm of homosexuality in order to appreciate a member of the same sex on a more than platonic level—far from it.
That is why there is “Man Love.” Scholars have been studying the exact origins of the natural phenomenon known as Man Love for decades, but have not come up with any concrete evidence. I credit ancient Mesopotamia. Though the origin of Man Love may be a mystery, a plethora of information on the subject is at our disposal. Lucky for you, I am an expert.
Man Love can best be described as a deep-rooted appreciation for another man, usually because that man is the physical embodiment of our inner persona. The most commonly experienced form is Celebrity Man Love, as in, “That Brad Pitt’s got some incredible abs.”
After that comes Prominent Historical Figure Man Love: “Man, Aristotle had great fashion sense.”
Trinity even has its own localized Man Love. In the original Greek form, this Man Love was known as Trinitus Male Lovus. For example, “Christopher Nash is like a miniature Buddha covered in hair.”
Finally, there is the most intimate category of Man Love: the Love of a man that is in your daily life. I call it Personal Man Love. This is Man Love at its core, the nitty gritty.
The Man Love of my life is Chris, my best friend’s brother-in-law. Chris is a former marine scout sniper turned body builder. I once saw him punch a horse in the face because he thought it disrespected him. I have Man Love for Chris because he is the Bizarro World version of me.
When I look in the mirror I might see a skinny, noodle armed guy who wet his bed until he was 17. But on the inside there is a 6’5”, 280 lb weapon of destruction who can hold his bladder for months at a time. Much like the Juggernaut.
Having Man Love for someone opens up many new doors that may have seemed locked. I get to live vicariously through Chris, taking credit for his accomplishments as if they were my own. After all, since he is what I look like on the inside, why shouldn’t I brag to people that I can squat 900 lbs?
I strongly suggest all readers equipped with hairy legs and a “Y” chromosome find someone to Man Love before it gets too late. Female readers with hairy legs need not heed this advice. Instead, go shave because you’re being gross.
Now you go...
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