CCR: part IV Rise of the Robots!!
February 20, 2007
Chris Nash & Russell Montgomery
CCR lay motionless on the ground. He couldn’t feel his legs or his arms. He couldn’t feel his heart
“Don’t bother trying to move, chump” came a voice from the shadows, “I’ve robbed you of your body parts.”
“Question – who’s there?” CCR demanded. He struggled to see his assailant, but it was no use. The voice got closer.
“All you have left is a head,” the voice spoke. As if to prove his point, the unknown man picked up CCR’s head and placed it on a dusty old stool. From such close range CCR was able to make out the man’s silhouette. He couldn’t believe his eyes. The voice belonged to another robot!
“Question,” CCR demanded, “Where do you come from? How come you’re a robot?”
“Silence!,” the other robot demanded. “You’re in no position to be making demands. Now answer me – where do you come from? How come you’re a robot?”
CCR was confused. “Query – I thought everyone in this town had a robot.”
“That’s crazy! Who told you that?”
“I was told by Norton Von Eeten Peterson, your hobo master.”
“That hobo’s crazy,” the robot demanded. “Did you see how long his name was? I never met another robot before. That’s why I robbed you of your parts, sucka.”
CCR was getting furious. “Question! Who are you?!!”
“I’m your worst nightmare, chump. I’m Robo-Robo.”
“Your name is Robo-Robo?” CCR asked. “If you work for a hobo, how come your name isn’t Robo-Hobo? Or Hobo’s Robo?”
“I don’t work for that hobo! Use your brain, dumb-bot! My name stands for Robbery-Robot. I rob things, just like I robbed you of your body. That hobo only thought we were friends because I said I’d rob him some Burger King. Truth is, I just wanted to fatten him up so I could eat him.”
“But robots don’t need to eat,” CCR demanded.
“I know that,” Robo-Robo demanded back. “But I’m crazy.” Robo-Robo cackled maniacally and stepped into the light.
CCR cursed a string of profanities in amazement. Robo-Robo was perfection. He was so beautiful that CCR just couldn’t stop cussing. F-words, C-words, S-words, B-words—the whole works. But, he didn’t take the Lord’s name in vain, though.
Robo-Robo had powerful hydraulic legs and retractable arms. He was rockin’ a fancy cannon on his kidney and a jet pack in his back. He also had a Red Right Hand that could morph into any weapon imaginable. Perfect for dishing out violence and death. Also, Robo-Robo’s antenna had Bluetooth, whereas CCR’s constantly spilled crude oil on his head. CCR was mad jealous.
“Give me your hardware.” CCR demanded.
Robo-Robo laughed. “I told you, you’re in no position to be making demands. You have no body. You’ll never play piano again.”
This really hurt CCR, since he lo-ooved to play piano. It was his favourite.
“Now here’s the deal,” Robo-Robo said, “I’m about to wage some war against a bunch of brown people far away, but I’m gonna need a partner. Do you like to murder?”
CCR shed a single tear. “Response – more than you know, Robo-Robo.”
“Good. I thought so. I’ve built some WMD’s into my crotch and some nukes into my feet. My head is filled with acid. I’ve got a D-Bomb in my chest. The “D” stands for death.”
“I want in,” CCR demanded. “But first, give me back my old body.”
“Don’t worry, sucka. Soon I’ll make you a brand-new body filled with all sorts of murderin’ tools and torches. Thing is, I don’t know if I can trust you yet. So I’m gonna give you a temporary body till we get overseas. Cool?”
“Affirmative.”
One hour later, CCR stood up on his new legs, which were made of Nalgene bottles full of water. His torso was an old box marked NAIL CLIPPERS. He had a Swiss Army knife for a hand. His other hand was a miniature harp.
“You look good,” Robo-Robo said. “Now let’s go fight some brown people.”
“Are we allowed to say that?” CCR wondered.
“Of course we are. It’s not like someone’s reading our thoughts…”
Now you go...
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