Dear A&A,
I recently read that in today’s economic climate, it is the best time to be making investments for people under 35. Since I’m graduating in a couple of months I would like to seek advice on how and if I should be making any big time investments. I’m not too versed in all of this so anything you have to say would help. Should I be looking at buying a house or stocks? Or should I just put money in a savings account? Thanks so much for all that you guys have done. You’re amazing.
– Investor in the future

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Dear Theoretical moneybags, 

Now that you’ve made the big-time investment in yourself, your life is like a ship, about to set sail into a world of goodness and prosperity. Actually, it sounds more like a Spanish treasure ship, off to pillage the New World for all it’s worth. In any event, my advice for you is of similarly noble and artistic merit. Many years ago in New York, Hugh Troy painted a mural of a regatta of ships on a bank. The flags upon the ships read, “Keep Your Money in Your Mattress.” Given your keen overuse of optimism, that’s probably the best thing you can do.

But wait a second: you’re just graduating after four or five years of being a student at TWU. Are you toying with us? Is this a “when I’ve finally paid off my student debt” fantasy? Where is all this money coming from? Anyway, if this is real cash and you don’t go with the “mattress fund,” just make sure it’s well laundered.

Whatever you do, don’t go with the savings account. Besides the pathetically low interest, it’s too easy to get to. You may just impulse-buy that Ferrari or pay for some Interpretive Dance Centre at your old Alma Mater if you’re not careful.

Okay, okay. So you can get the best of all these worlds of dead capital: buy gold. Although they are making more of it, unlike land and common sense, gold has distinct benefits: it’s shiny, fits in with even the most basic laundering and ‘creative accounting’ schemes, is a key component of “bling bling,” retains its value, and best of all easily stores in your mattress.

Finally, thanks for the buttering-up. Next year, when you’re literally rolling in gold, please think of us.

– Ares

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Dear Investor,

Investing is a tricky business, much like the Forrest Gump quote about boxes of chocolates, “you’ll never know what you’ll get.” Since you are only just now coming out of university, the likelihood of you having any significant amounts of money are slim, so your ability to invest is limited. With the current state of the economy, there are lot of variables that one needs to navigate in order to get through all the confusion. There seems to be some groups saying the economic crisis isn’t as bad as people imagine and others who are preaching the total collapse of the modern world as we know it. One should attempt to find the happy median of the two arguments in order to decipher what one should do with their money.

My advice to you is to be wary and not jump into any short-term financial contracts because of the instability of the economy. Buying a house at 22-24 probably isn’t the soundest thing to do, unless you are planning on living in that area long-term. The same goes with the stock market: unless you find something too good to pass up, you should probably start small and build yourself up first. But then again we’re advice columnists and not financial planners. Good luck to you.

– Athena