Confronting the hidden
The quiet phenomenon of self-harm
February 20, 2008
Jonah Love
[Photo: Austin Jean] Jonah Love’s arms have over 35 self inflicted wounds on them.
Self-Harm. It’s such a benign term on the surface, but what it implies has been of huge significance to my life and the lives of many around me. Many people assume that people who self-harm are suicidal. While this is true in some respects, it’s not the only reason people resort to cutting or any other method. I can personally attest to this, with over 35 scars littered across my arms spread over a period of four years. The end result I was seeking wasn’t death but something far more complex, something both logical and illogical.
Numbness and control are two words that best describe what drove me to start. It wasn’t some ideological theme or an ultimate death wish, but the feeling of not being in control of my own emotional state coupled with an extreme sense of numbness and a desire to feel something, anything.
Seeing those first trickles of blood pour out was a relief; it was an adrenaline rush that let me know that I was still alive and that a semblance of control was still within my reach. Those moments of self-inflicted pain offered some of the best moments of clarity and seemed to make my grip on reality tighter. It came to the point that I started looking forward to the cutting, the freedom it offered was something that I both craved and I needed.
My arms are scarred as if I’ve tried to commit suicide 35 times, but I’m not suicidal. When people see the scars they will usually ask, “What happened to your arms?” “Life,” I respond. “Oh…”
Another self-harmer from Trinity Western University describes their experience in a similar way: “It was release,” she said, “and it felt really good, it’s really addicting… [to] see that there was still life running through me.” To many people it becomes a coping mechanism used in order to externalize emotional pain.
However, as the interviewee states: ” …[it] doesn’t mean people who cut themselves are suicidal.” It’s possible that people who do self-harm may eventually become suicidal, but often that is something that develops over time, usually reaching its climax after self-mutilation has started to lose its effect and the person starts seeking out more extreme measures for coping.
To give a professional opinion on the concept of self-harm, I was able to get some responses from one of the resident counselors at TWU. “I see self-harm/cutting as a very complex problem - there is no simple explanation,” he said, “I think at the core of the behavior is a profoundly deep, historical hurt which causes the sufferer unbearable emotional pain for which relief is sought.”
While there is some semblance of a pattern in certain aspects of self-harm, the counselor said, “the reasons are different for each individual, as are the aggravating factors that generate these behaviors.”
One reason may be the need for understanding and empathy: “What is essential is a therapeutic environment for those who engage in self-harm/cutting – feeling understood, not judged or pressured to change their behaviours.”
The Canadian Health Network official website states that approximately one per cent of the population engage in self-harm. To put that in perspective, if TWU has a population of 3500, than roughly 35 students are self-harmers or have previously engaged in the act.
Self-harm is difficult to understand from the outside and while it is an uncomfortable topic, we must create an environment where the self-harmer feels free to honestly express their pain without the fear of judgment or censure.
Now you go...
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