Crippled, Crippled Robot - part I
The tRagycke tayLe of a Man cursEd wYth mysfortunE & dOOmed to catastrophIe
January 24, 2007
Chris Nash & Russell Montgomery
If there is one thing you must know, it is that Dr. Malleus Mimms wasn’t always an awful man. He used to be happy. He used to eat ice cream cones and walk his dog. He used to be a good man. However, even a good man can turn bad if he is pushed far enough.
Dr. Mimms secretly hated the world. In fact, this was such a well-kept secret that even he didn’t know about it; he thought he was content. But his soul knew better; his soul knew his true hatred. He hated the world and he longed to mistreat it because the world hated and mistreated him first. The world broke him.
You see, Dr. Mimms had a handicap – he was born without a right ear. Because of this handicap he could never listen to stereos properly, his balance was far too poor to go snowboarding, and he found it very difficult to find sunglasses with no arms on them, like the ones Morpheus wore. Naturally, he lived with great difficulty for 24 long years.
Then, on his 25th birthday (which also happened to be his first wedding anniversary), a miracle happened—a terrible, terrible miracle.
Dr. Mimms and his wife were driving into town to buy a specialty single-earmuff for his lonely left ear. It was snowing lightly and the roads were icy. Suddenly, unbeknownst to Dr. Mimms, a shopping cart escaped from the Costco parking lot and tumbled carelessly onto the road. It was full of babies—a 12-pack of babies. Cute ones.
Dr. Mimms’s wife noticed the cart immediately and screamed from the passenger seat for him to stop. Of course, without his right ear, he couldn’t hear a thing.
He didn’t even have time to slow down. He ploughed through the cart of babies like a snowplough would plough through a snow-cart full of snow-babies. He slammed on the brakes but it was too late.
What happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. The car was on fire and was rolling end-over-end toward a gas station where a truck full of explosives and a truck full of knives were parked. Dr. Mimms (who was also on fire) quickly assessed the situation and did the last kind deed he would ever do.
Since his shoes had already burned up, he was able to open the passenger door with one foot and kick his wife out of the car with the other. She fell onto the snow and passed out before she could hear his last words to her: “I blame my handicap wholeheartedly!”
The knife-ridden explosion that Dr. Mimms caused that day injured hundreds of people and killed a group of 12 senior citizens (which is ironic, since the babies landed safely in the snow). It was the biggest disaster in the town’s history, and it left Dr. Mimms’s wife with amnesia and one less tooth.
If he had been driving in England, none of this would have happened.
* * *
25 years later. The present.
Today is Dr. Mimms’s 50th birthday and he is thrilled. Why is he thrilled, you ask? Why does a man whose body is burned, bludgeoned, and lacerated beyond recognition have any reason to be thrilled? Because today is the day that Dr. Mimms will exact his revenge on the world and its cruel sense of irony.
You will notice that I never revealed to you Dr. Mimms’s area of practice. Well, he is a scientist for the government. And he is quite mad. That makes him a mad scientist. The government saved him from a fiery death those 25 years ago. They recognized his genius and gave his life purpose–to create weapons that would seek out and destroy brown people.
Yes, that was the evil task this brooding scientist had been assigned. But that’s not what he’d really been up to. Along with Pon, his faithful and spineless lab assistant, Dr. Mimms has spent the past 25 years creating a flawless robot body in which to house his brain. With an enhanced cybernetic body, Dr. Mimms would finally be able to steal ice cream and squash dogs and live out all the rage he had been harbouring for two-and-a-half decades. Once again he would be mobile, once again he would be free.
Today Dr. Mimms finished building his robot. Today he will exact revenge on a cruel, cruel world. Today many innocent humans will die needlessly.
“Pon,” he cackled maniacally, “This day has been 25 years in the making. Look down at me and tell me what you see.”
Pon answered honestly with great pride, “I see a god.”
“No, you don’t, dumb!” Dr. Mimms shrieked. “You see a broken man, a crippled man, a man beaten by life. But after our little experiment, that will no longer be the case. I will become an unstoppable engine of war and destruction, or I will die valiantly in the name of science! Either way, Dr. Malleus Mimms will be a cripple no more! Now quickly – slice open my head and remove my brain. Then place my brain in the body of the robot and turn the robot on.”
“Yes my liege,” Pon said.
“Shut up,” Dr. Mimms continued, “And remember, you must act quickly. Don’t set my brain down and go on Facebook or something dumb like that.”
Pon silently held back his tears and pretended to agree that Facebook was dumb. As Dr. Mimms continued to laugh like a madman, Pon grabbed a nearby circular saw, drew a deep breath, and began to cut open his master’s head.
To be continued…
Now you go...
3 Responses to “Crippled, Crippled Robot - part I”
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What happened to the marriage his wife couldn’t deal with a robot husband , thats cold man
Adam, this is Crippled, Crippled Robot’s wife. My memory is a little hazy from the accident, so I don’t remember very much. All I know is that my husband has disappeared, and for some reason I hate robots with a fiery passion. If I ever see one, I’ll tell it how much I hate it… then I’ll kill it. Then I’ll pee on it.
me too.