Don’t take me out to the ball game
October 31, 2005
Graeme Esau
The day was October 8. My Edmonton Oilers were just about to begin their game against Vancouver. I had put off my homework till Monday, and I was ready to enjoy this game. As I made my way towards the big screen in Douglas Lounge, something struck me as odd. I was in Canada. It was Saturday night. And hockey was not on the TV.
I stood dumbfounded for a few minutes trying to understand what was happening. It wasn’t so much that someone was watching something other than hockey. I mean, that much I can understand. What shocked me was that in place of hockey, some individual was watching baseball. Yes, baseball. I tried to wrap my head around this concept but I remained confused.
If you are watching something instead of hockey, one of three things should be present: an explosion, a monkey, or an attractive individual. Needless to say, I saw none of these things at the baseball game. To make sure this never happens to anyone ever again, I have developed a list to remind people why you should not watch this year’s MLB playoffs.
1. NO CHEERLEADERS – All the other boring sports have caught on by distracting their viewers with scantily clothed women. Unfortunately, baseball is under the impression that their sport is exciting enough to omit cheerleaders…
2. STEROIDS – By watching baseball, you’re just encouraging your children to do drugs.
3. NO TORONTO BLUE JAYS – It is pretty clear that the Jays are the coolest team in baseball. And because they are absent from this year’s playoffs, there’s really no reason to watch. Who are you going to cheer for? The Yankees? The Red Sox? Oh wait, never mind.
4. BASEBALL IS BORING – I can’t stress this point enough. It pains me to watch that game. I mean, the very fact that there needs to be a seventh inning stretch so nobody falls asleep should send a very clear message. Ball. Foul. Ball. Strike. Ball. Wow, I’m on the edge of my seat.
5. BASEBALL IS MEAN – The Devil Rays. The Giants. The Pirates. Need I say more?
6. TOO LONG – 162 games a season. 30 teams. That’s 2430 baseball games in the MLB. In no way is that cool.
7. THE YANKEES – Alex Rodriguez is paid $25,705,118 a year to catch a ball and swing a bat. If he gave up his salary for one season, A-Rod could send 1127 students to Trinity for a year.
8. BASEBALL IS STILL BORING – Seriously.
9. PIGEONS – Remember when Randy Johnson hit a pigeon with his pitch? That was by far the coolest thing to ever happen at a baseball game. Face it, that will never happen again. Baseball met its peak, and now it’s over.
10. TIGHT PANTS – Muscle – induced men wearing revealing pants does not attract me to the sport. Why should I waste three hours of my life watching Reggie Sanders wear man tights while swinging a bat?
These are just ten out of the millions of reasons why you should never watch baseball. My hope is that during this year’s MLB playoffs, you might think twice about watching baseball. Especially if Hockey Night in Canada is on.
Now you go...
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