All The Usual Suspects

Posted by admin on Nov 21, 2006 in Featured Articles | 0 comments

Name: Henry Owen
Nationality: Canadian
Home: Hamilton, Ontario
Job: Elementary School Teacher; Former Priest
Religion: Catholic
Wanted for:
- Being friends with young boys.
- Having slumber parties with young boys.
- Having a large internet ring involving photos of young boys.
- Owning an unmarked, white van.
- Wearing plaid shirts and khakis.
- Growing a moustache.
Possibility of being searched at the airport: 10% – he always travels alone.

Name: Mohammad Al-Zarquiwi
Nationality: Pakistani
Home: Islamabad, Pakistan
Job: Terrorist
Religion: Muslim
Wanted for:
- Making himself a “human bomb.”
- Hating all things American, especially movies starring Johnny Depp.
- Hating women.
- Dressing funny.
- Being a Muslim from a Muslim country.
Possibility of being searched at the airport: 100% – no reason needed.

Name: Adrienne “Butch” Firestone
Nationality: Jewish-born Canadian
Home: Berkeley, California
Job: Writer
Religion: Agnostic (worships the “goddess” in us all)
Wanted for:
- Destroying family values.
- Starring in “The Vagina Monologues.”
- Hating James Dobson.
- Upholding women’s suffrage.
- Burning bras.
- Campaigning for Hilary Clinton.
- Financially supporting in-vitro fertilization.
- Being President of the Bay Area NOW chapter.
Possibility of being searched at the airport: 5%-30% – It depends on how long her hair is.

Name: Jerry Walfell
Nationality: Canadian
Home: Abbotsford, BC
Job: Mega Church Pastor
Religion: Evangelical Christian
Wanted for:
- Picketing the House of Parliament to protest gay marriage.
- Hating people on welfare.
- Trying to blow up abortion clinics.
- Denying global warming.
- Voting Conservative.
- Making his wife homeschool his children.
- Wearing tacky Christian neckties.
- Trying to convert everyone.
Possibility of being searched at the airport: 20% – he still has a stamp on his passport from his missions trip to Indonesia.

Name: Betty Krazynski
Nationality: Canadian
Home: Vancouver, BC
Job: Grandmother/Protestor
Religion: Unitarian
Wanted for:
- Protesting construction of a highway.
- Protesting logging by strapping herself to trees.
- Suing logging companies for environmental infringement.
- Not letting the bastards get her down.
- Baking a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies.
Possibility of being searched at the airport: 0% – She looks like everyone’s grandma.