Tonight I shall dream of my falling Cupid

Of your turquoise frog and your galloping green nostril

In my dreams you wear a pink bra draped around your exquisite tooth

In your pinky you hold my firefighter

You shave with exquisite precision when I utter your itsi-bitsi name

You are beyond description!

My heart sings when I see your bloated oil like fingernail

You remind me of a pizza cut into octagon pieces, ginormous and tiny when you are joyful

If you were a giraffe, strikingly approaching, I would pose with bravery

My buttocks is sad when you are near

I wish to take you to the orange valley every midnight

I love you like the coming summer bearing strawberry-purple reminders of the times we scratched together in the fields of black

The heights of the yellow yellow sky and the depths of the beige beige sea cannot describe my gorgeous love for you

I wait for you in color

People asked me whether I would put my name on this article. The reason I chose to expose myself is that I am not tied down by this anymore. I am free and I do not need to hide or conceal my identity. I am taking ownership of my struggle and my victory – I have neither shame nor fear anymore. My name is Lauren Bersaglio, and this is my story.

It all began four years ago when I made the decision to see if I could make it through a day without eating. Little did I know that that one choice, that one thought, in that one moment would redirect my life. My first attack of anorexia lasted two months. I was eating just enough to stay alive and nothing more. I kept thinking to myself “two more pounds and then I will start eating again”; but inevitably I’d always find another two pounds to lose.

I do not remember how or why I started eating normally again; I think it was mere circumstances. I knew if I continued starving myself I was going to get caught, and I was too humiliated to want anyone to find out. However, the battle was not over; it had only begun. Throughout the rest of that year, old habits would flair up during times of stress or emotional lows. I would go a day or two without eating and then I’d be setting the table and begin feeling faint. I’d realize what I was doing was not healthy and so I would force myself back into a life of eating. The diet rules I set for myself, however, were so restricting that I was never really free.

Each time I would tell myself ‘never again’; but as sure as life throws curve balls, I would find myself yet again with an empty stomach and a heavy heart. For the most part I kept my anorexia a secret; I only talked about it when I was not dealing with it. I always spoke in the past tense: “Yeah, I struggled with anorexia, but it’s over now.” It wasn’t that I was lying to people; I honestly believed it was over, and every time it reappeared I felt confused and defeated.

By the middle of 2009 I had been free from any anorexic behaviour for almost a year. However, as the stresses of life began building up, once again I found myself unable to cope in a healthy way. This time, however, I was so afraid of returning to old habits that instead I took on a new one: binge eating. My bingeing was very sporadic; I would struggle with it for a few days then I would go back to normal life and then a month later it would re-emerge. See, the thing I learnt about eating disorders is that food becomes this powerful substance that fools you into thinking it is the only way to cure the pain. When I was struggling with anorexia, I would regain a sense of control by not letting food in; when I took on binge eating, I would numb the pains and stresses of life with the comfort of food.

By the end of 2009 I realized the only way I would respond to stress was through eating. I also realized that binge eating did not stick well with me. Not only did I not like what it was doing to my appearance, but it also made me feel like I was out of control – and I hated feeling out of control. So I made another decision. Once again this decision happened in one moment with one choice and one action: I purged. The moment it happened I knew my life would never be the same again; from then on I would live with the knowledge that I could eat whatever I wanted and then make it as if it had never happened. And just like that I was in control again. Or so I thought.

For the better part of a month I found myself fighting two battles: one against bulimia and the other against anorexia. I did not care much for purging so I would try starving and then I’d realize I wanted to be normal so I’d eat properly for a few days and then I’d fall back into the cycle.

The bulimic and anorexic behaviour wore off as my stresses deflated. Then my family moved and I found myself in a new place with a new life and I swept my issues under the rug. I told people I was done with them forever, that they had simply disappeared. I was telling them this because I truly believed it. However, when something is pushed under the rug it is never content staying there.

This past March I was hit by what Shakespeare refers to as “The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” In other words, life blindsided me. I managed to get back up on my feet; however, I did not notice the current that was building beneath the surface. It started when my homework began piling up and I became overwhelmed with the amount of work I needed to accomplish in a short period of time. Needless to say, I was stressed. And I began eating. It started with a few harmless (but unnecessary) snacks and within a couple days it turned into uncontrollable bingeing. Before I knew it, I was leaning over the toilet with my finger down my throat again – the position of defeat. I realized I was back there; the monsters had crept out from under the rug and come to play, only this time they were playing to kill.

What started as one binge and purge in one day turned into two or three in a day. Then the bingeing stopped, but the purging continued. I was throwing up as many as five times a day. I couldn’t eat a piece of toast without rushing to the bathroom straight afterwards. I had lost control.

The experience of purging, I found, was incredibly traumatising. It started with the unpleasant action of forcing myself to vomit, and was followed by the bloodshot eyes underlined with dark circles, the puffy face, and the constant feeling of defeat. Giving in to bulimia became my only focus. I wasn’t getting any work done; I was eating, purging and sleeping. Almost immediately I felt the physical toll on my body. My stomach burnt from all of the acid build up and my throat felt raw and strained. My teeth had made permanent marks on my right index finger and I was low on energy and had a permanent, dull headache. I knew I had to stop purging, but I couldn’t. When I ate, even if I intended to keep the food down, it always ended the same – me bending over the toilet, allowing my life to slip out of my hands.

I realized as long as I was eating I would continue to purge. That’s when anorexia came knocking again – only this time it was far worse than it had ever been. No longer was my motivation losing weight; I was motivated strictly by fear. Rather than eating tiny bits of food every so often, I was eating nothing. I was so afraid of vomiting that I became unable to put anything in my mouth – not even juice. I went three days without food. On one of those days social obligation forced me to eat lunch; but after eating I purged, further confirming in my mind that the only way to avoid throwing up was to starve.

By the third day I was a wreck. I could hardly stand up without being overcome by dizziness. Exhausted, in pain, and emotionally broken, I wandered from class to class, lifeless. I didn’t want it to be that way; I wanted to be outside with the living, but I was trapped. I was being held captive by my fear and addiction. I had no escape. I told close friends about my problem, but there was little they could do to help; the choice was up to me. I had to decide if I wanted help or not, and the frightening truth: I didn’t want it. The more I realized how addicted I’d become the more frightened I became. I didn’t want to destroy myself but I couldn’t stop what I was doing to myself either. I found myself sitting across from friends trembling and petrified, my shaky voice telling them how much I didn’t want to die. But the darkness had sunk in too far; I didn’t know how to stop it. I had lost all control – I was a slave.

In desperation, I went to one of my professors. As I sat across from him, numb and broken, I asked him how much longer I could live like this. He informed me that without food a human being has thirty days to live. I went back to my apartment and tried to sleep, but my mind would not shut off: thirty days and then dead. Not passed out and in the hospital, but dead. Gone forever. I wanted to be alive!
I curled up on the couch hugging my knees and began crying uncontrollably. I was killing myself and I couldn’t stop. I knew what I had to do; I had to save my life.

I called up my closest friends, who came from all over the city. They sat in my living room with me for over three hours. I explained to them that I was destroying myself and that I wanted to be alive but I didn’t want to stop what I was doing. I told them I couldn’t stop and that I didn’t want their help. That’s when my roommate stepped in. She told me, “Lauren, you can do it. You are doing it right now; you called us all here because you want to stop this. You want to quit and you can.”

I looked around the room at the people I love and who love me and I realized I was hurting them. I had to stop what I was doing to myself, if not for myself, then for them. So for the first time, I let them pray for me. I handed it over to God and told Him I didn’t want it anymore. I was able to do this because Jesus already paid the price for it; He paid for it on the cross. He was simply waiting for me to give it to Him and when I did I was transformed. It was as if I were awakened from a bad dream. I stood up straighter, my eyes shone, and God breathed life back into me. I was free.

A few days later I found myself sitting on the bathroom counter facing a decision: I could give in to my weaker self: purge and kill my chances of enjoying my evening, or I could overcome and have a great night. I thought about what it is I wanted, a good night or a bad, and then I made my choice; I stood up, walked out of the bathroom, grabbed my coat, and went to the CanAm game. I overcame and I had a great night.

That night I realized the battle is still not over; this is something I will have to face for the rest of my life. There will be many more nights spent sitting on the bathroom counter rocking back and forth between giving in and overcoming; sometimes I will make the right decision and sometimes I will make the wrong one. It is a decision I will have to make every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep. Even while writing this article I have binged twice and purged once. But the difference is I am not afraid anymore. I know that God is here with me through all of it. The fight is still not over, but now I have the right armour on. And I know it will not defeat me because I have God on my side and I have an army of people who love me. Opening up and allowing myself to receive help was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but it was a decision that saved my life. I am not afraid anymore because I know that no matter how many bad days I have, no matter how many relapses and slips back into darkness I have, it will not defeat me because my people will not let it.

What makes a good story are beautiful characters; in this past month I have learnt my life is filled with them. This is how I know my life will be a good story. I will have a happy ending. I am sure of this now. And I am not the anorexic girl or the bulimic girl; I am a girl who struggles with anorexia and bulimia. It does not define me. And now that I have given it over to Jesus, which is what He was waiting for all along, I know that I will always overcome because He already won this battle for me; He did it on the cross. I am not alone. You are not alone. And hope is never lost. We are free – Jesus bought us that Freedom. That is what Easter is all about.

© Copyright 2010 Lauren Bersaglio

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On April 6, the School of the Arts, Media and Culture (SAMC) marked its official launch at Trinity Western University.
“These are exciting days to be launching a new school, a new way of seeing, thinking [and] working,” said David Squires, dean of SAMC. Squires also said that the launch of SAMC will be exciting for professors and students.

The main vision for the new School is to offer students professional degree programs with interdisciplinary courses.

“Alongside the development of new professional degrees in which students are mentored by working professionals in their discipline, we are also transitioning from a diverse group of departments with a common administration to a single school with many programmatic expressions and a greater concern for interdisciplinary connections,” said Squires.

Educators around the province, and outside of TWU, have looked at SAMC programs and have mentioned that they will be strong programs to create leaders.

“SAMC uses positive mentoring within a community of learning to nurture students into transformers of culture,” said Squires.
Squires has been working at TWU for 15 years and initially never saw SAMC coming, but now that it’s here, he feels that the arts, communications, music and theatre departments are more unified.

“The launch of a School of the Arts, Media, and Culture at TWU is really a momentous event,” said Squires. “While we honour the efforts of our forebears at this remarkable university – who 50 years ago dreamed and prayed into being a college, later to become a university – and especially as we acknowledge the breadth and depth of courses and programs in various arts, media and culture disciplines which many colleagues have laboured to develop and shape over several decades – yet we now stand looking to a very different future.”

In the fall, students can get a taste of what the School is about if they take SAMC 111. “SAMC has new foundational courses in place for fall, bringing together across traditional disciplinary lines to engage critical issues in the arts,” said Squires.

For senior students, interdisciplinary “capstone” courses are being worked on, as well as travel studies and experiential projects. Also, courses are transferable for SAMC.

“We at SAMC are creative thinkers who believe in a dynamic curriculum in an ever-changing culture,” said Squires.
To find out more information about SAMC, visit their website at www.twu.ca/academics/samc.

Currently pending approval by the B.C. Ministry of Advanced Education and Labour Market Development, a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting is a potential new program that the School of the Arts, Media and Culture (SAMC) hopes to launch in fall 2010.

Students are anxiously awaiting final news regarding the program and are not only excited for the production classes they would have to take, but also the required courses, such as directing and playwriting.

Brittany Gainer, a potential BFA student, is looking forward to expand her repertoire through such a program. “I think it will be a great opportunity to get to know other perspectives through required courses that I wouldn’t normally take,” said Gainer. “In the end, I would be able to be a better actor.”

Instead of specializing in a certain area such as acting, dramatic literature or stage managing, as theatre students normally would, acting students would be challenged in all areas of the field, as well as theatre history, literature and practice.

The acting program would differ from the theatre program, as it would require students to take twice as many courses. Many of the students are looking forward to the community that could be built due to so many classes that they would have to take with one another over the next couple of years.

“[Students] would be immersed in productions that enable them to exercise the muscles and test the ideas they are acquiring in their courses,” said Angela Konrad, chair of the theatre department and assistant dean of SAMC.

“We encourage and challenge each other to think critically about the art and its intersection with our faith,” said Konrad. “We want to make that art better.”

With twice the amount of obligatory courses, students would be able to refine their skills so as to exceed in the acting industry, and by living with integrity through their work and their faith, they may touch others’ lives while working in the industry.

The program would better be able to prepare its students for life after TWU, according to Konrad.

Students would be pushed to excel in all aspects, developing creative minds, acquiring an extensive amount of knowledge and skills, fervour for their work, as well as strengthen their faith, which will ultimately enable students to excel when they leave TWU to pursue a career in the industry.

For more information on SAMC and its programs and special events visit twu.ca/SAMC.

HODI is a non-profit organization that emerged partly from TWU’s Kenya travel study program, run by communications professor Ruth Anaya, her husband Petra Anaya, and UFV professor Cherie Enns. Since 2004, these three directors have initiated research and a partnership with Petra’s home community of Muhanda in Western Kenya.

“On April 16th, HODI will be celebrating big successes in small places,” said Anaya. “Ordinary people can do extra-ordinary things in this Kenyan village.”

Through HODI’s partnerships, they have transformed Muhanda with a diversity of projects, including: a large infrastructural piped water system serving 5,000 people; a health center that is now being upgraded into a maternity facility; a student sponsorship program; and most recently, the construction of a community center focused on providing care services for vulnerable children.

HODI’s African-themed launch party will include the African music group Shirika, African food, and African auction items, and will double as a fundraiser for a maternity facility in Muhanda – a need in this densely populated rural village where there is a high mortality rate.
“We have a phenomenal opportunity to be involved with the building and equipping of a maternal health and birthing facility,” said Anaya. “What could be more exciting than breathing life into an impoverished community?”

To help raise awareness about the Dalit people in India, a Worship for Dalit Freedom awareness concert was held at TWU on April 8th.
“The Dalit people won’t even share their water with anybody; instead, they have to smash the cup they drink not to pollute anybody else from their status of worthlessness,” said Froese.

On a recent trip from India, students Rachelle Rovner and Sharlene Petigara had a life changing experience and were affected by the severity of the people’s circumstances. “They live in pipes,” said Petigara. “A mother was building another pipe for her children to study in because the smoke from cooking food was too strong. She was building them a pipe house, not a normal house but a house in a pipe, and that was a sacrifice for her living under what they live on per day.”

“Their circumstances will break you,” said Froese. “People need to become aware of what is happening in the world and that is the entire purpose of the worship concert.”

The concert had a great turnout. “The main purpose of the night is to bring awareness,” said Brtiney Broadhead, a TWU student and co-leader of the concert. “We might be the only voice for these people.”

The Worship for Dalit Freedom awareness concert included music, Henna tattoos, t-shirt and products made for sale to help the Dalit people. In India, henna tattoos are a popular tradition. With students having henna on their arms for two weeks, it allows them to spread awareness as others notice it on their body.

“You can’t be ignorant towards this once you know,” said Matthew Froese, a business student at TWU and Dalit Freedom awareness member. “Once you are educated about something like this, it’s hard going back to everyday life when you know people are living in extreme circumstances.”

For more information on how to get involved, visit www.dalitfreedom.net.

“Last year’s council voted to increase student fees to $65 from $60, but that change did not come into effect until January 2010. So for the first semester, full-time undergraduate students paid $60 and second semester they paid $65. Part-time students paid $30 and $35, respectively,” said Daniel Reynolds, TWUSA’s executive director of internal relations.

Events and services on campus that individually cost each student less than $5 included: American Student Government Association Membership, the Cube, TWUSA Express, Spartan Nights, Banana Challenge, campus barbeques, Hootenanny, CANAM, Open Mic, the Reel, and the Grad Banquet. Mars’ Hill and Pillar only took around $20 each from student fees.

TWUSA’s major initiatives allocated over $9000 to their largest proposals budget ever; this budget was used to support initiatives such as composting bins for residents, opening night galas for TWU Theatre, distribution of [spaces] literary journal across Canada, tetherball pole on campus, art shows, School of Business Association’s Bachelor Auction for Haiti, International Social Justice Club events and fundraisers, and Faith and Science Week.

As for the recreation fee, students paid nearly $200,000. TWUSA advocated for fiscally responsible and effective use. So far, the results from the recreation fee are the new bouldering wall, new fitness centre equipment, and long-term plans for a major project.

At TWU, CAN-AM is the largest event outside of convocation, however this year Hootenanny was a big hit. “Outside of grad banquet, we spent more money on Hootenanny than any other event and this year approximately one in three TWU students attended,” said Reynolds. “Traditionally we do not charge for Hootenanny and instead donate any proceeds to charity, meaning we cannot rely on any revenue to subsidize the costs.”

In addition to finances, TWUSA worked with Sodexo to improve students’ food experience. TWUSA also approved the creation of: the new School of the Arts, Media and Culture, the Bachelor of Arts in Corporate Communications major, and a new RELS 100 class, designed for students from a non-Christian background. Finally, TWUSA investigated the possibility of students receiving academic course credit for extra-curricular involvement.

The success of collegiums at Trinity Western University has grown over the past few years. It is the hope of Glenn Hansen, assistant director of community life for graduate and commuter programs, that it continues—especially for upperclassmen collegium membership.
In order to encourage membership growth, students can enter a contest to win one of five free collegium memberships and a free parking pass by attending the Collegium View Week from April 12th to 16th, taking place in the Marlie Snider collegium.

Hansen said the collegium’s population increase was due to a 2007 survey, which showed that membership had dropped because of the annual cost of $150. In the following school year the fee was lower by 40 per cent to $90 a year—leading to increased membership. However, Hansen also said that numbers are not as high as they were in the past, when there were waiting lists to get into collegiums, which he thought might be attributable to a decrease in the intake of students.

Change was also in the air at the start of the fall 2009 semester. “Instead of the West Coast collegium being first year and fourth year students we made it first and second year,” said Hansen.

Consequently the shift meant that the Marlie Snider collegium became home to third and fourth year students. An effect, Hansen said, is that the West Coast collegium has a higher membership, including over 200 members, while the Marlie Snider has around
100 members.

“There is still room for growth in the upperclassmen collegiums,” said Hansen, whose goal is to encourage commuters to apply for membership early just as students would do for courses.

Reuben Moes, a fifth year business student and comunity life assistant, agrees with Hansen that there was a change in the atmosphere in both collegiums. Moes said that the Marlie Snider is more studious and quiet. “The first and second year [students] tend to be more rowdy,” said Moes, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing—unless you’re trying to study, of course.

In addition to collegium membership growth, there has been a reduction in theft from the honour bars—a system which allows commuters to purchase food stocked by Sodexo. Hansen noted that a few years ago there was a substantial amount of money stolen from the honour bar, but now that is not the case. He hopes if members witness theft, there will be a mutual accountability that will
encourage honesty.

Overall, it has been a successful year in the collegiums, making it a home to Hansen and commuter students.

The event will be held on Friday, April 16 in Northwest Auditorium at 7:30 p.m. and is free of charge.

Professionals from the film industry will judge for overall winner, best director, cinematographer, scriptwriter and actor.

In addition, the audience will also have an opportunity to pick their favourite for the Audience Award. The overall winner will receive a $500 gift certificate for the Apple online store; other prizes include $200 Apple online store gift certificates.

For a short time this April, we are offered a rare and unique opportunity: to see the inside of a Mormon temple. The first in B.C. and the seventh in Canada, the Vancouver British Columbia Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be open for public tours before its dedication at the beginning of May.

The temple, located at 20370 82nd Avenue in Langley near the Langley Events Centre, is open for free tours from April 9th through April 24th from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Mondays and 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday. On May 2nd, it will be dedicated, after which point only members “in good standing” will be permitted inside.

As a belief system that is often shrouded in mystery, outsiders stereotypically associate Mormonism with door-to-door missionaries and renegade polygamists. Few get a chance to see for themselves a glimpse of the inside without becoming a convert.

As Intercultural Religious Studies professor Jonathan Dawn commented, “the danger very often in many of these movements or beliefs is talking about it without ever going or interacting with people.” Dawn encourages students to visit the temple during the open house, and on the opening day I took him up on this challenge.

The building is fittingly described by Dawn as “opulent.” According to the Latter-day Saints, or LDS (preferred over “Mormon”), the temple is the “holiest place on Earth.” As members are required to tithe 10 per cent there is no money spared: only the best for God’s house.
The temples are built partly patterned after the Old Testament tabernacle, but each one is unique, incorporating elements of local culture – the Langley temple features dogwood designs worked into the furniture and decor. From the outside it resembles a cathedral, but on the inside it is filled with many small rooms.

“The rooms are symbolic and have meanings in and of themselves,” said Dawn. Tours take the public through many of these rooms, each of which showcases a different aspect of LDS beliefs – many of which are familiar yet foreign to the touring Christian.

One of the things distinguishing the LDS is a doctrine of baptism for the dead. This practice, based on 1 Corinthians 15:29, is one of the main purposes for the temple. In a baptism tank resting on the backs of 12 oxen – symbolism taken from the Old Testament design – proxy baptisms occur where a family member is baptized on behalf of a deceased ancestor. This is not imposed but the ancestor is believed to have a choice as to whether to accept the favour.

Another thing distinguishing the LDS, as Dawn described, is “marriage not until death do us part, as is conventional, but marriage for eternity.” Families are bound together forever in the “sealing room,” which features two large mirrors on opposing walls. The concept of eternity is illustrated as families can look into the mirror and see images of themselves reflected unendingly.

There are also several rooms where members come to learn about God and the purpose of life. A key LDS focus is on “restoration of what was lost,” as our tour guide emphasized. “We didn’t just make this stuff up,” she explained.

According to Dawn, “the LDS see the time between the Apostles and their own beginnings as being a time of great turning away from truth. It was only because of a revelation to Joseph Smith that there is a renewal and now this is the true church.” The Book of Mormon elaborates on this alternative perspective on history.

While there are many theological differences between the LDS and Christianity, there are many things a Christian can take from the experience. “They’re here to be missionaries, impact society, and try to be good examples for the faith they uphold,” said Dawn. “So there’s much to commend them for.”

A trip to the temple will give visitors a window into the LDS world and a first-hand account of what they believe. Also, it is a great way to meet the new neighbours.

For more information visit ldschurchtemples.com/vancouver.