I once heard that Scientology was born of a wager between science fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard and his contemporary Kurt Vonnegut, that the real money was in religion and not novels. I walked into the Church of Scientology’s neat brick building, located within the shambles of East Hastings, with an agenda: I would have a good laugh about the obvious cult and its gullible followers. But I tell you this, now the wiser for my experience: nobody is immune to the lures of practicality.

My brother Danny and I were warmly greeted at the church by an elegant, confident woman who had previously headed up Vancouver’s UN chapter and Religions for Peace Council. Socially conscious, pro-life in every sense, and with a will to help her fellow humans, I wondered whether this woman hadn’t found some truth in her activities with Scientology. She intelligently explained the Greek roots of Dianetics (through the mind), bringing home the point that Scientology was a practical application to make mankind better, as opposed to an abstract ideal. Its symbol, the 8-point cross (no relation to Christ) represents 8 dynamics of self, family, group, species, life-forms, matter, spirits, and infinity.

Though skeptical, I found myself reasoning that this complementary, all-denominational “religion with proof” just might work well with the less practical ideals of Christianity. What could possibly be wrong with trying to work out trauma in order to be a better person and help the human race? Who really has the time to ponder the nature of sin? I was shocked at how quickly Scientology started to sound good.

But then we were shown the Introductory Video.

Alone in a small room with a movie projector, my brother and I stifled our laughter as dramatic music smothered our senses. It didn’t help that Danny was making shadow puppets while providing a running commentary. The video’s actual dialogue was no less absurd: “Only a raving lunatic would try to harm Scientology,” the voice told us.

Though it provided few answers, choosing instead to encourage the viewer to take “the next logical step” in purchasing half a dozen books, the movie did provide a brief history. Hubbard had developed his system of Dianetics in the 1950’s, at which point the U.S. government immediately tried to steal the idea for the purposes of MIND CONTROL! In “a very bold move” Hubbard released his revolutionary information to the public free of charge. (Or was it at an exorbitant cost? ) In a dramatic conclusion emphasizing the ever-important freedom of choice, the big-haired narrator looked us straight in the eye and, above hero music, told us that the choice to never think about Scientology again was akin to the choice to jump off a bridge or blow our brains out.