Fifth-Year Student Doesn’t Drive into Fraser Puddle Anymore
By Cam Thiessen
After discussing with reporters about the increased nihilism that has come along with being at TWU for an extended period of time, local fifth-year student Carmen Tyson reportedly revealed that she no longer deliberately drives into the puddle on the road near Fraser Hall, which continues to fill with unruly amounts of water during the rainy months.
“This isn’t about having fun anymore,” Tyson told reporters, “I just need to get to TWUSA before it closes for chapel so I can get coffee and meet with my professor during chapel.”
Tyson said that even though it’s November, she still feels as though she’s in a “summer mindset,” which has caused her significant stress during her weekly two days of classes. Tyson assured sources that she would not let this ultimately affect her grades, but it means making sacrifices, like not driving her green 2001 VW Jetta directly into a two-feet-deep puddle of water every morning in order to save time and keep her body in a state of emotional homeostasis.
“Any brash decision like climbing a tree, going to chapel, attending a TWUSA event, or driving into a puddle could completely throw off my groove,” said Tyson. “And honestly, what’s the point? I’ve been reading a lot of Nietzsche on Wikiquote lately, so I’m pretty much convinced that existence is an illusion, God is dead, and driving into a puddle will not bring me more or less joy than my previously scheduled daily mundanity.”
Tyson was last seen sitting in the atrium sharing memes about the U.S. election on Facebook in order to forget about her increased pessimism and overall depressive mindset. “This just isn’t second year anymore. It’s time I start getting serious about my education.”
The road that once held water is now free from liquid or moisture. We, united as a student body, wait for rainfall to once again fill said puddle.
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