Driving me crazy

Posted by admin on Nov 18, 2008 in Issues & Ideas | 3 comments

There are lessons to be learned from toodling about in our automobiles.

Driving really impresses upon us all the importance of a good education. On the one side, people, through a habit of inattention, forget how to drive: signals, school zones and parallel parking get ignored. On the other hand, the driving-test system doesn’t really teach you how to drive: the gullible student is taught to go the posted speed limit, get in the left-hand lane at least a kilometre in advance, ignore tailgaters, slam the brakes for a yellow and otherwise drive like a paranoid geriatric. The only real driving education we get is through attentive practice.

It is clear that the state of the drive has a significant impact on the mental health of everyone who must drive around on a regular basis. So, in the interests of your mental health and practical education, here is a guide to driving in the Greater Vancouver area:

The average Vancouverite, let’s call him Joe the Stockbroker, is a competent, courteous, quick driver. Yes, he may “transcend” the speed “limit,” but remember: those were set when Edsels were hip and Caddies took pride in getting gallons to the mile. He, being an average Vancouverite, has no discernible faults.

There are several tribes of drivers that imperil Joe’s life on a daily basis:

– The Impatient Tailgaters hug his bumper when, clearly, Joe can’t go any faster.

– The Magical Double-Signallers tap their brakes constantly, giving simultaneous impressions of directional indecision and impending danger. Master MDSs can even accelerate while braking. Joe sometimes fantasizes about rear-ending them when they actually do brake to slow down.

– The Signal-less Weavers take the same sort of opportunities as any in Vancouver, but slowly and without signals. This is contagious, particularly among truck owners.

– The Left-Hand Laggards have forgotten the purpose of having two lanes on any given road. Either they grew up in the 20s, before such things as passing lanes, or they take pleasure in deception and causing confusion. Late at night, you’ll sometimes see them driving in the left-hand lane, just you and them on the highway. They still won’t move over.

– The Speedy-Trucks, when combined with a few LHLs, are a dangerous force on the road. Joe doesn’t enjoy being cut off by a 60-foot vehicle. Speedy-Trucks forget that they can’t accelerate, breeding further angst in Joe.

– The Careless Accordianers scoff at the idea that if you all accelerate at once, at least three times the number of people get through any given light. Though not literally dangerous, the CA identity is a contagious disease. Proof is that everyone from Victoria has caught it. Entropy of the same brain-lobe responsible for Physics is thought to be at blame.

– The Pernicious Cell-Phone-Talkers may be a secondary loyalty for any of the other tribes. Most of these are in denial about the fact that that they would drive better while inebriated than on their phone. The only good point about this tribe is that they are the reason why no one questions the Doctrine of Original Sin anymore.

Finally, if you belong to any (or all) of these groups, there is help and hope. Just put down your cell phone and get off my bumper, and I’ll show you.
As an aide to you all, commuter and resident alike, here is a guide to driving in Greater Vancouver.