Mars’ Love

Posted by admin on Mar 10, 2010 in Issues & Ideas | 0 comments

If it’s that time of year when love is in the air and you find yourself single, please take note of these immaculate directions to make yourself a desperate lover.

First, secure a space for personal advertisement in the Mars’ Hill. Photoshop a picture of yourself, and find as many excellent traits (even if you have to invent some) to write beside your picture. Ads are the best way to get your smile out there!

Second, erase all expectations. This is not a time for standards in finding the right person; instead, accept any and all offers that are given. Even if he or she were the last person in the world you would date, remember that a free meal is always worth it.

Third, make sure your schedule is wide open. Desperate lovers are willing to meet at any given moment of the day (or night) anywhere on campus. Dropping a class or two may make it easier to work around other’s schedules. The more availability you have, the greater the chances of finding a lover.

Fourth, become greedy for attention. Nothing solves a dead-end conversation quite like a greedy lover. Find open-ended questions to ask about your appearance or actions, and always steer these questions towards positive answers. For example you may say something like, “I looked in the mirror this morning and felt awfully fat.” In the true manner of a comforting person, you will find a warm hand on your shoulder and words such as “Shucks, you’re not fat at all, in fact, you look great today!”

Fifth, buy double sided tape and string it around your body. Desperate lovers are defined by their clinginess, and nothing will make you stick more to someone than a wad of tape attaching your arm to their leg.

Lastly, make a large poster with the words “Please Love Me” written in large letters. Then, find yourself a nice grassy spot in front of the cafeteria and stand with the poster around your neck. A pouty face will attract more than one lover.

Jonathan Swift