Dear Mars’ Love,

Signed, Restless in Robson

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Dear Low-Priority Wannabe Bride,

We all know that the monetary value of your ring is directly related to his love for you. So, most plausibly, you’re just not worth it and he’s finding a pathetically indirect way of telling you. He’s slowly lowering the target-price of your ring by using cheaper and cheaper objects as excuses. Yesterday, a car. Today, an HDTV. Tomorrow, fancy stationary. How much longer do you want to hold on? Will he have to resort to gummy bears?

However, if you’re convinced that this is not the case, all is fair in love and war. That’s right: love is a sort of war. All this talk of “waiting” and “cutting losses” is no less than cowardice; postulating the existence of a “commitment-ready guy” is a Disney-quality nonsense alternative campaign strategy. The current battle is pitting your feminine wiles versus his masculine proclivity to mind-numbing entertainment in the epic quest for The Ring. You are losing this battle.

But you can still win the war. As a certain professor says, even if you don’t entirely know what you’re doing, you must exert your superiority by asking pointed questions. The trick is to start subtly; when you’re cuddling on the couch, seductively ask, “Which would you rather have: the HDTV or me?”

Failing this, move to stronger methods. These do not include crying, pouting or less-than-overt blackmail. Remember: you must keep a human face, or your prey may get spooked and escape. Poetry can also help ease the pain of violent encounters on the topic: “Roses are red, violets are blue, get me a ring, or I’ll leave you.”

You have a worthy task at hand. Go forth and conquer.

Yours truculently,

Apollo

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Dear Patiently Faithful,

Love is a funny thing, and it often has a very diverse effect on those it touches. This variety is part of what makes love so exhilarating, but it can be frustrating at times.

Understanding that not everyone experiences love the same way, though, may enable you to comprehend why your partner isn’t acting as you feel he should at this time. For many like yourself, love inspires a beautiful devotion to the other, a faithful desire to be at the other’s side forevermore. For other less unsullied souls, love may be encountered with fear, angst and apprehension. Your fair-minded lover probably realizes, as you do, that the time for commitment is near, and this inspires fear in the depths of his heart.

It’s not that he fears you, per say, or that he does not love you. His is doubtless a subconscious reaction to the looming change that committing to love requires. That he deals with this fear by buying himself things may mean he does not believe he will be able to do so once he surrenders to the whims of love. It may mean he does not trust that you will benevolently consider his material desires in the future.

Have you given him reason not to trust you? When he talks dreamily of the things he’d like to own, do you scoff at his ideas, thus raising his defenses, or do you accept them? It is not imperative for you to encourage frivolous spending on his part, but be careful not to give him reason to believe that once he surrenders to love immaterial, that the material will fade from his grasp.

Relax, your love has stayed by your side for four years, despite being surrounded by plentiful opportunities to test other waters. Take this as a sign of his devotion, and you might feel liberated to enjoy the time you have left as an unmarried maiden, by treating yourself to a few things as well. The time for commitment will only be right when both of you are ready.

Infinities of Love,

Aphrodite