Sex, lies and power – the “Santa Claus you never knew”
WARNING: Due to crushing realities of the charges pending for the character known as “Santa Claus”, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
It has come to the attention of the two authors of this article that the iconic symbol of Christmas spirit – namely one “Santa Claus” – is in violation of an alarming number of legal precedents, which in many cases merit criminal proceedings.
It is not our express desire to dampen the Christmas spirit; however, if this character “Santa Claus” is actually real, every parent should take necessary action to ensure the safety of their loved ones this holiday season.
We would like to encourage all law-abiding citizens to re-think their “cookies and milk” approach to one “Santa Claus.” Rather, we recommend that they consider the use of primitive devices such as bear-traps, shot-guns, and various explosives to repel this notorious criminal.
“Santa Claus” has been rumoured to be “at-large” in various communities around the globe. He goes by various aliases such as: Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas and Father Christmas, amongst other names. His presence has been noted in various shopping centres during the month of December; there is speculation that he is known to entice vulnerable children.
As law-abiding citizens we feel that it is our duty to make known the criminal violations this “Santa Claus” is engaging in both present and past. Outlined below is a comprehensive list of infringements which are under investigation:
1. Violation of Protected Airspace – The Canadian Ministry of Transport has a few questions regarding air-travel, via an endangered species, for the purpose of commercial usage without authorization.
2. Arctic Sovereignty – Despite the extensive infrastructure in place as a result of one “Santa Claus’s” operation, squatting on sovereign Canadian soil is strictly prohibited and shall be met with forceful eviction.
3. Environmental Degradation – The usage of coal, for the express purpose of distribution to “naughty” children is considered highly damaging to both the environment and the overall wellbeing of the children in question.
4. Trademark Violation – Unauthorized reproduction for the sole purpose of distribution is in violation of the 1994 World Trade Organization Agreement on Trade-Related Aspects of Intellectual Property Rights.
5. Home Invasion – Unlawful entry into the private residence of any Canadian citizen is an indictable offence, punishable as specified in the Canadian Criminal Code.
6. Driving Under the Influence – The usage of the terminology “Jolly old St. Nick” brings into question the source of one “Santa Claus’s” alleged jolliness; RCMP officials refuse to comment on roof-top breathalyser testing.
7. Property Destruction – Structural Engineers have raised questions about the effects of landing a load-bearing sleigh, and several medium sized mammals on roofs. Provisions in the legal code have express terms for the destruction of personal property.
8. Questionable Financial Practices -
- I. The Canadian Revenue Agency should perform an audit, which may result in retroactive tax payments subject to compounding interest.
- II. The forecasting ability of one “Santa Claus” brings into question the possibility of insider trading in the manufactured toy industry.
9. Fire Code Violations – Obstructing the path of an open flame, namely in the form of a chimney, greatly increases the risk of uncontrollable fire. This summary offence shall be dealt with accordingly by the appropriate fire-marshalls.
10. Exploitation of a Minority – As one “Santa Claus” is allegedly utilizing a minority people group classified as “elves,” human rights violation officials should investigate the nature of employment and living conditions.
11. Employment Practices – As the alleged owner of a toy manufacturing corporation, one “Santa Claus” is expected to observe employment practices that are in conjunction with the employment code of Canada, specifically in the areas of minimum wage, statutory holiday pay and the ability of the workforce to unionize at their discretion.
12. Health Risk – Although a minor infraction, one “Santa Claus” does a grave injustice to Canadian children by encouraging food handling practices which run contrary to food-safe provisions, specifically dealing with perishable items such as milk.
13. Suspected Abuse of Animals – Commonly accepted folklore tells of one reindeer having a “red-nose.” Considering the effects of inebriation, one naturally questions the root cause of Rudolph’s apparent “red-nose.”
In conclusion, if one “Santa Claus” is indeed in existence, authorities on all levels should pursue appropriate action to ensure that the aforementioned concerns are addressed.
Additionally it pains us to have to discuss one “Santa Claus’s” violation of the cardinal virtue of the Separation of Church and State in our modern liberal democracy. As is common knowledge “Santa Claus” has been compiling an active list of all children with the intent to deem them either “naughty” or “nice.” How therefore does one “Santa Claus” determine the nature of “naughty” and “nice”? Categorizing citizens by personal factors falls under governmental jurisdiction – this act of compartmentalizing the child’s person is clearly shows an infraction against moral relativism to the utmost degree, thus violating in principle the concept of Separation of Church and State.
The fact that “Santa” is an anagram for Satan, although alarming is not the most disturbing point of issue we take with one “Santa Claus.” Obviously the most disturbing piece of evidence as to why “Santa Claus” should be incarcerated is voiced in a common children’s song, “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!” Need we say more?
All that being said, we do appreciate that his uniform is constructed of choice colours allowing for optimal visibility in a dark environment; this will make it easier for the SWAT teams to find him come Dec. 25. If he does exist this may be an appropriate time for all “Santa” supporters to say their goodbyes, as we feel a hefty life-sentence coming to town this season.
you canadians certainly get high on the fresh air up there. i really enjoyed your comments