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The problem of sexuality
Recently I was having coffee with a single friend of mine, an older student, who expressed her frustration: “the last time anyone in a Christian setting spoke to the fact that I’m a sexual being was in a college and career group when I was 18, where the smiling leader told me in a chipper way that ‘true love waits.’ Well, almost a decade later, I’m still waiting. And it isn’t so straightforward or simple.”
Our sexuality is defined by more than whether we have sex. It is about how we live out our lives as God’s embodied children – the living, breathing body of Christ. Christ was a man, a sexual being like us, who struggled with desire. We must live in the knowledge that He can help us with our own struggle. Our sexuality is also about how we live as males and females who try to navigate through preconceived social gender roles while maintaining a strong sense of our own identity through Christ. It is about how we express ourselves to one another. Finally, sexuality on a fundamental level is about finding intimacy: our basic desire for love and physical contact, not just sex-related. While sexuality contains possibilities for corruption, our embodiment of Christ includes recognizing and celebrating the fact that we are made in the image of Christ – including our genitalia, arousable senses, and reproductive potential – and thus sexuality is in and of itself good. It is good for us to be human and that through Christ we can act and live together in holiness, using our bodies to glorify Him.
In order to explore this topic, I took my questions to Dr. Mark Davies, a former pastor, Regent professor, and practicing psychologist, whose expertise lies in the area of human sexuality, marriage and the family.
MH: Dr. Davies, why do you think the topic of Christian sexuality is so relevant to today’s age, and what are the most common questions and concerns of the Christian single?
MD: The reality is there are a lot more singles today then there were 20 years ago. Society’s view of the family is changing and there is no longer the same pressure there once was to be married. More people are also choosing to be single, especially women, due to increased economic and sexual liberation. There is also many more opportunities for young people to travel, volunteer overseas, go to grad school or pursue a career. Many are getting started later in life, and thus are less in a rush to settle down.
However, despite a person’s reason for being single, there is a lot of confusion regarding a Christian single’s sexuality. Common questions and concerns of the Christian single include: how do I understand myself as a sexual being? What is my self worth as a sexual being – am I sexually attractive? How do I integrate my sexual identity into my identity as a whole as a Christian single? How do I deal with real physical desires and longing? There are many concerns in particular regarding casual sex and experimentation, sex as a prerequisite to relationship, sexual activity and morality, sexual morals and ethics (technical virginity), relationships, guilt, peer- and self-pressure, and poor self-image. One of the great challenges for the church today is to allow for and celebrate the sexuality of singles within the body of believers. Yet one of the most pressing needs in the church today is to learn to bring our sexuality back into the fold of Christ’s body. In particular we need to learn to acknowledge that singles are sexual beings and we have to learn to help them to live out their sexuality in a God-honouring way.
MH: What prevents this?
MD: As Christians, almost all our energies go into helping adolescents refrain from sex prior to marriage. However, as Christians stay single longer, they face a great deal of pressure to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage. Each age-group has their own sexual norms, struggles and pressures. We do a profound disservice to adult single Christians by ignoring their sexual needs, questions and concerns. All too often we treat it as though the matter was closed. Beyond “don’t do it,” we just don’t talk about it. The result is that Christian singles must take their cues from society rather than the community of Christ.
MH: What can be done to help singles?
MD: I have done a lot of speaking to many groups in this area. Last summer I addressed 600 Christian singles of all ages from all over B.C. I am most struck by a couple of factors: the first is how much sheer ignorance there is on the topic. Recent research has shown that over 50 per cent of all first-year university students failed a basic test on sexuality. Many students did not even know the proper names for their own genitalia! Add to this the many myths and superstitions that Christians have about sex and sexuality, and it’s not a good picture. Just reading some good Christian material such as Balswick and Balswick’s Authentic Sexuality or Louis Smede’s Sex for Christians is a good start.
The second thing is that there is so much silence. Again and again, I am amazed at the retreats I lead just how much talking helps. And it’s my observation that your generation wants to and needs to talk about it. Just creating intentional spaces of respectful Christian dialogue really goes a long way to healing.
I don’t know of any preset programs to help Christians. I don’t think it is like that. Our sexuality is too much of a mystery and too personal to just plug everyone into one program. But what we have done instead is not helpful either – just to leave everyone to fend for themselves. We need to support and help one another figure out what it means to live out our sexuality in a God-honouring way.
MH: What do Christian singles most need from the church?
MD: First, a venue for frank and open communication. They need to have safe places within the Christian community where they can discuss openly, without fear of reprisal, preaching or gossip, their own struggles, trials and temptations. Recently I have seen more church support groups for men struggling with sexual addiction, which is wonderful. However there are a lot of women struggling with similar issues, and in particular guilt and shame, that are lying to the outside world because they feel as though they will be judged to harshly to ever talk about their sexual desires/struggles/sin, they need a place to be able to talk without being embarrassed or ashamed or judged.
Second, to have the church stop acting like sex outside of marriage is an unforgivable sin. This makes it harder for those guilty of sexual sin to come openly to the church for help, restoration and forgiveness.
Third, more explicit teaching and preaching on the subject; “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t do it” is all too often the only message they get from the church. There is not sophisticated explanation that takes into account the lived experience of individuals.
MH: Any last words?
MD: The issue of human sexuality and singles is one that is crucially important for the church if it wants to remain relevant in young peoples’ lives. The church is really working to improve how it relates to its congregation on this topic, but in the meantime singleness and celibacy can be a difficult road for many. I want to encourage people to know that while celibacy often seems like a painful, imposed reality, it can be a life enhancing experience in which one can find deep meaning and self-honesty. It can become a time in one’s life where one channels the passion one would have for another individual into knowing God and embracing life. I would also encourage people to start a walk towards freedom, talk about it, find mentors, build relationships with other singles dealing with the same thing and place your eyes on God. -
I find it intriguing that, although the church tries to imply that sex is not the be-all and the end-all it seems to be in secular culture, it still treats sex and sexuality as one of the most important facets of being a Christian, particularly in regard to abstinence. The message I got was: “Sex is not that important, but really, it’s very, very important, but don’t do it!” The desires and questions I had were not appropriate, and were possibly lust rather than just normal questions and normal desires. The Christian health book I had in grade eight told me more about STDs and the consequences of an unintended pregnancy than about my own anatomy, as if it was trying to scare me into abstinence. And when it did discuss anatomy, the only things I learned about were the uterus and the ovaries, as if those were the only parts that mattered. This, I think, is a mistake on the part of Christian writers who probably are honestly only trying to help teenagers and think that this is the way to keep them from heartache. I might not have needed the knowledge at the time, but it would have been helpful at times.
These days, I am no longer single, but I do remember how difficult it was sometimes to wait. It was hard. I’m not denying that struggle. Part of me thinks that the only reason that abstinence education “worked” in my case is that I don’t like breaking rules. I knew that it was probably the better way to go, and, now, speaking from the other side, I am glad that we waited. But I remember when sex was something I wanted desperately and couldn’t have yet and I didn’t want to wait as long as I did. And in comparison to many people, I didn’t have to wait all that long. And now, as a married woman, I have a drastically different view of the issue. Yes, sex is good (eventually). Yes, it is important, especially for a healthy marriage. But it is not the ultimate experience. It’s not the answer to everything. It will not save you, nor will it make your life complete. It is not the only component of marriage, which I think is forgotten at times. I think what is more important than sex for a couple is the ability to work through problems together, the ability to be flexible and to let the other person be themselves. Maybe these things should be emphasized along with better sex education.
The verse that’s been on my heart recently has been Song of Songs 8:4, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” I’ll be honest, right now I don’t have a strong desire to have sex. (I’m single.) BUT, the idea of a husband is so appealing! Right now I’m still researching all this, but what advice is there for this struggle?