The trouble with abstinence in Christian dating

Posted by admin on Nov 21, 2007 in Issues & Ideas | 2 comments

The trembling bride, her hairspray-laden hair damp with sweat, curls up several feet away from her astonished husband, where she spends the night crunched in a hard wooden desk chair.

This may not be how every typical Christian wedding night goes, but similar scenarios are a reality for some who have guarded themselves so carefully until marriage, only to be traumatized by what unfolds.

“She spent her whole dating life not having sex because she thinks she shouldn’t,” says Mike Dadson, Associate Director of Counseling Services at the Trinity Western University Wellness Center, “and now that she’s married, she has sex because she thinks she should. That isn’t a very great way to be engaging in sex in marriage.”

Abstinence, an ideal that follows many Christian young people from youth group to university, provokes many questions about what it means to be pure, healthy and sexual, and questions if these three things can co-exist.

First, there’s the trouble of defining abstinence. “What does abstinence really mean?” says Dadson, “is actually a personal question.” Somewhere between holding hands and going all the way is a magical line called abstinence, and no one seems to agree on where this line should be.

The TWU “Responsibilities of Membership” states, “Members of the TWU community agree to respect the biblical teaching that sexual intimacy is to be practiced only within the context of marriage between a husband and a wife (Genesis 2:23-24) and to keep their sexual behaviour consistent with this teaching.”

This definition of abstinence proves difficult to interpret, because according to Dadson, “a dating relationship is by definition a sexual relationship.” Without the sexual dynamic, two people are just friends. “Intimacy is the piece that matters most,” says Dadson, defining intimacy as “a shared knowing of each other.”

This causes one to wonder if a biblical standard can still be applied when it seems like dating relationships can’t exist without some form of sexual intimacy.

“What’s problematic about using the Bible in that rule-making function”, says Dadson, “is that [in a 1st century AD New Testament context] a 14-year-old girl would marry a 16-year-old guy, and they’d move in with two parents.” It’s different in our culture, he says, because there are many more factors preceding a decision to marry, such as education and economic situations.

Often in Christian circles, it seems people will avoid some of the difficulties of abstinence by getting married early. But at TWU, the cost of tuition alone can render marriage a distant goal for many.

“How does one deal with their sexuality, being a sexually mature 20-year-old celibate not by choice?” Dadson asks. “Because Paul would talk about celibacy as something that should only be entered into by free choice. He doesn’t impose celibacy on anyone.”

It may be helpful to have a new way of thinking about abstinence and sexuality. “Health is a far more constructive beginning to having a good ethic with our sexuality,” says Dadson, “than it would be to just make sexual behaviours all right or wrong.”

One of the most destructive things about the abstinence-sexuality dynamic is guilt. Guilt works in a continuum, Dadson explains, so that those with higher standards of purity suffer a higher degree of guilt and shame compared to those with lower standards. “The guilt and shame,” he says, “are probably the unhealthiest things a couple can bring into their relationship; it destroys relationships.”

Sex can be just as problematic for the girl that has her first kiss at the altar as it is for the guy that goes all the way and feels guilty about it afterwards. Couples need to find a healthy balance, mastering the delicate dance of purity, sexuality, and intimacy by thinking carefully through what an abstinence ethic means to them.