With the 2008 United States election coming up in November, it is that time again when it is important to have an understanding of the candidates; after all, these are the men and women who are vying for one of two Resolute Desks in the world. The next 11 months leading up to the election will be some of the most hotly contested times in recent memory, with enough mud-slinging and slander to satisfy you for the next four to eight years. With this election looking to be the most open the public has seen since the days of James A. Garfield’s election in 1880, knowing who these people are, not just what they preach at you, is going to be the key in deciding this upcoming election. Thus, I’ve taken the arduous task of outlining three possible candidates from both major parties in hopes of assisting you in making the right choice.

The Republicans

Rudolph Giuliani

The former New York City mayor who made his name known during the 9/11 crisis was last seen making a final stand to breathe life into a completely useless campaign in the most important state in America: Florida. Does he have a chance? Probably not. With a name like Rudy, no hair (when was the last time America had a bald president?), seven marriages (the only other leader to have that many wives was Solomon) and the fact that he doesn’t even like sour apple jolly ranchers, Giuliani has little chance of winning.

John McCain

Again, this man has no hair. Somebody really just needs to mention the hair thing, kind of an important thing when running for President. How are we as a country ever supposed to gain the respect of the world if our very own leader doesn’t have a full head of hair? The audacity is astounding. Although he was a Vietnam POW, that really has nothing to do with shaping who he is today; it’s not the capabilities of a man’s intellect, but the amount of hair-producing follicles that really counts.

Mitt Romney

Several words describing Mitt Romney: creepy, Mormon and exceptionally creepy. His Iowa campaign stressed the slogan “Ask Mitt Anything.” I would venture two questions: What is holy underwear and why are you so creepy? One other thing, “Mitt,” what’s with the name? Was it cold outside when your parents named you? C’mon, all American presidents have strong names like George or Abraham, get with it or get out.

Democrats

John Edwards

John Edwards is destined to always be second place, which never bodes well considering that he’s running for the highest office in America. He came in second to John Kerry, became number two to John Kerry, came in second in a coloring contest as a child, and probably was the second child. Do Americans really want man who could only muster second place in everything? Maybe, but this is highly unlikely. As the old adage goes “second place is the first loser” and America is about winners (and guns, at least in the south).

Barack Obama

Aesthetics, that’s a word that applies when looking at the presidency. Look at it this way: the last four presidents’ names were Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and Bush, all of whose names are aesthetically pleasing. Just sound this out in your head. Clinton, Bush, Obama? Hell no. Not in my homeland. You probably thought this had to do with his middle name being Hussein and his being black. This has nothing to do with that; it’s his last name that doesn’t work. He needs an all-American name like Bush or Smith or maybe Johnson.

Hilary Clinton

Here are four words to define Hilary Rodham Clinton: woman, Bill Clinton, woman. All of which are also reasons why she should not be president. What really needs to be said about her? Anyone? Anything? I feel as though that is Mr. Clinton’s doing. For crying out loud, she’s a woman. ‘Nuff said.