Over the years there has been a lot written in Mars’ Hill regarding the subject of homosexuality: should it be condoned by Christians, should gay marriage be legal, etc. Bible verses are quoted, theories are put forth and evidence displayed all at a happy distance from the author who writes, somehow as an expert, on a subject that has not personally affected him or her. I find these articles ultimately unsatisfying. They are too clinical, too academic and too argumentative. For me this is not theory, it’s personal.

The single biggest cause of darkness in my life has been my struggle with lust. While most guys struggle with lusting after girls, for some reason my struggle has always been almost entirely directed towards guys. I have no idea why. None of the normal “explanations” apply to me. I grew up in a very safe and stable home. I have incredible parents who are happily married and who love and support me unconditionally. Also, I’ve had good male role models in my life and I was never molested as a child. Yet, since I was a boy, I have found myself strongly drawn to other guys. It has been, and at times still is, a very hard thing to know how to handle.

One of the hardest things about it is the feeling that I can’t talk about it, which is a big part of why I am writing this article. There are the standard sexual temptations that guys will admit to struggling with—primarily masturbation, lustful thoughts about women and pornography, but not homosexuality.

I have been told that 50% of guys have homosexual feelings of varying degrees. Yet, if this is true, it certainly does not feel like it. For most of my life, my attraction toward other guys was my deepest darkest secret. I didn’t dare share it with anyone for fear they would see me as a freak: someone essentially different who would be, at worst, completely shunned or, at best, tolerated.

Compounded with the fear of social rejection has been the confusion that comes when you find your sexuality and your religious beliefs to be seemingly irreconcilable. At times I have felt like the apostle Paul, with a thorn in my flesh or the rich young ruler, unable to give it all up and follow Jesus. This has been a serious cause of depression in my life because there seemed to be only two possible futures. In one, I would fall in love with another guy, but the very choice of embracing that would simultaneously be a choice to turn my back on God. In the other, I would be lonely and single for life. I felt trapped and hopeless.

I’m not being melodramatic when I say that this is the type of thing that causes suicides. You feel desperately alone, hopeless, defective. You want something so badly while at the same time you hate the fact that you do. You honestly believe that being gay is wrong, yet the allure remains. You feel like if everyone knew who you were inside that no one would love you. Yet, all the while these things stay bottled up inside you and it destroys you. Is this an addiction or is it who I am? Should I fight it or embrace it? Should I learn to live with it or should I celebrate it?

The times when I have believed that I would find fulfillment in being in love with another guy have been some of my darkest. I used to journal as an outlet for my depression. Here are some extracts from the times when it seemed too much to bear and from slightly lighter times:
On the most basic level it entirely ruins your life. Every smile for your friends’ romantic happiness is laced with sadness, with regret towards what you think you’ll never have. I long for kids of my own, but will I ever be able to have them? I honestly have never been in love with a girl and so I wonder if I could ever [be in love with a woman]. If I can’t, then I can’t honestly get married . . . By being homosexually oriented, I am denied so many of the basic pleasures of life, and why? Why should it be that way? Is it really basically wrong for two people of the same sex to fall in love with each other or is it just so uncommon that it is socially unacceptable? And then…even then if it was accepted, it wouldn’t work as far as having a family. Two people of the same sex simply cannot share offspring. So, basically it sucks to be gay. There is no way around it. even if it were completely socially accepted, it would still suck…

NOTE: I am not gay, but if it weren’t for the fact that I am enlightened, I might be.
…If I could change one thing in the world, I would make a world in which I could fall in love and it would be returned and I would actually be happy…

Looking back over these entries I know that I am in a better place today largely because I have found the freedom to talk about this. A few years ago, prompted, I believe, by the Holy Spirit, I opened up to a friend of mine. Since then, I have found other friends who have listened and loved me without condemnation as well as professors who have assured me that I am not the only one and have offered wise advice. Most recently, I did something that I had felt God telling me to do for years: I talked to my parents about this and it turned out to be a very constructive and liberating thing to do.

I wish I could conclude this article by saying that everything is great but it wouldn’t be completely honest. Most of the time I am comfortable writing off any homosexual ideas as evil and destructive. Most of the time I can rest in the love of God and the hope that as I follow him one step at a time, he will give me every good thing. But there are times that I still feel lost, confused or frustrated, and that, I suppose, is part of what it means to be human.