The Mars’ Hill Bi-Weekly Evening News Hour
June 9, 2005
Kevan Gilbert
Over the years, you’ve come to know and trust the Mars’ Hill for our timely responses to the events of the world. We’ve proudly built up a solid reputation for credibility and honesty, consistently delivering the news to you as soon as it happens (or maybe two weeks after it happens, max, but that’s only because we’re a bi-weekly paper). The voices of our staff writers are the voices of you, the students. Trinity Western University, thanks for making us the number one source for news on campus. We couldn’t have done it without you.
Thanks for joining us. I’m Kevan Gilbert, and here are tonight’s top stories:
The new TWUSA executive for the next school year has been elected. Students are baffled as to why real live humans were elected for the positions again, insisting that livestock would fill all positions perfectly well; all they really need from TWUSA is a scapegoat, a cash cow, and a dead horse.
The first election for PSPA representative returned “no candidate” – it seems that out of the four people who voted in the election, two were the candidates themselves, and the other two votes came from students who were just trying to check their e-mail and accidentally voted instead.
A recent survey by TWUSA asked students to share their opinions on how the school is operated. The survey revealed that students have absolutely no idea how it’s operated, but 77% said they were “pretty sure” that at some point they heard somebody say it was bad, so they just went along with that answer.
Impressed that students could have such intelligent and informed opinions, the President’s Cabinet decided they really needed to start listening to students more. In response, the President’s Internship program was reduced from eight spots to two.
Another recent survey asked students how seriously they take Community Standards. One question asked if they have been drunk as TWU students. Out of the 697 respondents, 32% answered “Yes,” and the other 68% were unavailable for comment, as they were busy getting wasted at the Mirage.
Administration has recently assembled a hotshot team of architects and developers to help deal with Trinity’s issues of building space.
“Students need a private, out-of-the-way place to practice their music,” says lead architect Tommy Douglas. “And they also need spacious
public gathering places.” The team’s first project is a huge step in the right direction: installing practice rooms in the middle of the atrium.
In other news, resident students just finished up playing the game of Assassins. This is a campus-wide game that allows students to build community while secretly plotting each other’s death behind their friends’ backs. For an example of how this works, visit your local girl’s dorm.
Last Friday night, the American boys and Canadian girls converged on the ice at the Langley Civic Centre to decide once and for all who owns the rights to the game of hockey. Turns out the president of the NHL does, but hockey fans were still delighted to watch an actual game of hockey.
“Sure,” said one fan, “Maybe the Americans can’t skate, and maybe there are no Russians, and maybe the girls kicked the boys butts . . . but at least it doesn’t get cancelled.”
Most of the student body has now returned from Reading Break and have resumed labouring away at their schoolwork. During the break, 96% of students spent hundreds of dollars to visit California, while the remaining 4% saved their money and took advantage of the empty campus by participating in wild drunken orgies every night of the week. Those who went to California are completely envious.
Well, it looks like we’re out of time and words for tonight. This has been The Mars’ Hill Bi-Weekly Evening News Hour . . . I’m Kevan Gilbert. Thanks for dropping by.
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