Category: Humour

An administrative claw descends upon the editorial shoulder.

Cherry Blossom: I’m writing this because administration is literally looking over my shoulder 

Just now I was working on some subversive article for Mars’ Hill about how community is a myth or whatever, when a TWU administrator descended from on Upper Reimer high to peer over my shoulder and scrutinize my work. I would be more concerned if this doesn’t happen every week. Now I just quickly throw open a blank document and start typing Christian platitudes. This usually appeases them. Sometimes I have to write them in a more TWU-specific way, when they seem especially agitated. Judging from the hand clenching on my shoulder right now, that might be necessary today. So, I’ll just start writing slogans now until he goes away.



Burger reviews burgers 

Guys. Predestination is real AF. I was born to do this.  burgfri_issue10

I am no food expert, but if there is one thing I know, it’s burgers. I have been one my entire life. It’s time to honor my name and my kind . . . By gorging myself and judging. #Goals amiright!?

Disclaimer: If you are sensitive to cannibalism, please do not continue reading this.



TWU bans use of hammocks 

hammock_issue10In a subtle and conniving move, Trinity Western University has commenced their ban of recreational Hammocks on TWU property. Hammocks have been a great symbol of TWU confidence in the past couple years with men and women hanging out communally on sunny days while doing homework and listening to Blundstone and Birkenstock-worthy music through Bluetooth speakers. These communal homework sessions display the participants’ confidence by hanging out in the center of campus, and can grow to be as large as 10 people and stacked to heights of 3 hammocks high.



Rotting Corpse Just Needs to Start Drinking More Water 

corpse_issue10The world is full of trends: fashion trends, technological trends, health trends, the list goes on. Some of them are helpful phenomena which positively impact the lives of individuals across the nations, while others are a little more pretentious. Ricky Mortis, a local man who has been dead for about three weeks, is in the process of determining which is which. His friends, who have noticed certain detrimental symptoms (baggy eyes, lack of energy, decaying flesh), have collectively begun chastising Mortis for his water-drinking habits. They claim that his current state of having passed on from this life would improve significantly if he started drinking more water.



TWU Considering Offering Degree in ‘Meme Magic’ in 2017/2018 Academic Year 

 A rumor has surfaced in the form of a humorously captioned stock image that a brand new degree will be introduced next year at Trinity Western University. This program is supposedly a major in the study of dank memes and their real life applications. Proposed classes include Intro to Memes, Memes and Morality, Human Memetics, Advanced Meme Making, History of Memes (Ancient and Medieval), and a lab that studies Cam Thiessen’s Facebook timeline in-depth. The purpose of this degree is to prepare students for the rising meme culture they’ll be experiencing in the real world as well as what it means to be a Christian memer.



Mars’ Hill Reviews: Trinity Myths 

The Trinity Owl004-owl

Allegedly found in various areas of the Back-40, the Trinity Owl is basically a morally-neutral Batman. There are accounts of it swooping down and attacking poor, unsuspecting students, perhaps stealing any present headwear, and then vanishing into the night. This myth has a lot going for it. There is no photographic evidence for its existence but there are still a number of personal accounts. Also, it’s an owl, and those things are pretty sick. 4 razor-sharp talons out of 5.

003-engagement-ringThe Ring by Spring

This one automatically gets a point because it has a name that rhymes. While this odd phenomenon is easier to identify, the circumstances under which it occurs are eerily similar between cases. Every case has involved two people who were in a romantic relationship together before the incident, and without fail, the happenings always happen while one of the two people is on their knee, holding some sort of jewelry. The after-effects on the victims usually include the purchase of off-campus real estate. After many attempts, I have yet to be witness, much less a part of, these mysterious events. 3 ½ groomsmen (but never the groom) out of 5.

Campus Cat002-cat

Alright, this elusive beast isn’t necessarily a very well-known myth among students, or at least it isn’t talked about as much. But every now and then, I will see a small black cat with white paws roaming around during the night. The only other person that I know has seen it, no longer goes to Trinity. If you know the cat that I am talking about, leave a De-Classified or something. I need to know that I’m not crazy. 9 lives out of 10.

001-fashion-copyVic Cavalli

You’ve met the students who are in his classes. You’ve heard about his “get 30 pages of work done by the end of the semester” syllabi. And chances are, you’ve seen him walking around at some point, sporting his iconic white t-shirt and khaki shorts. This guy totally exists. I’ve met him, endured English 104 with him, and had a number of conversations with him. It’s hard for something to be a myth when the person in question can literally be found in the staff directory. 1 Hip Hop Reader out of 5.