How do you show the special people in your life you love them when they already have everything they want? By buying them that perfect gift they never needed! This year, let the underpaid folks at Mars’ Hill give you a hand with the hassle of holiday shopping with our 2007 gitchy gift-guide.

Dictator Key Chain

Ever forget about that tyrant Herod and the darker side of Christmas? Now you can carry your very own reminder of what it would be like to live under Herod’s reign – but instead of Herod we’ve replaced him with the modern day dictator of your choice!

Price: Two small countries or Alsace-Lorraine
Also available: Hitler, Lenin and Kim Il-Sung

Festive Toaster

This festive toaster is a steal. Ever felt disappointed that you couldn’t roast chestnuts by the fire? Now you can toast bread instead! Not only will this save you from potentially setting yourself on fire, it will add pizzazz to everyday bread and butter. This gift will butter up your significant other and provide instant Christmas cheer.

Price: One fire alarm at Fraser

Tattoo Sleeve

Is there an aspiring punk rocker in your life? Do they idolize the likes of Sum 41 as legitmate bad-ass rockers, but are afraid to enter a real tattoo shop? Now you can make them feel hardcore and safe! Purchase this arm sleeve tattoo and you too can give the gift of inauthentic rebel status.

Price: Parental approval

Jonathan Raymond Bobblehead

There’s no better way to maintain school spirit than to have your very own President Raymond bobble-head! Perfect for your desk or your car, you can now spread university cheer with this symbol of academic hope now available. All proceeds will be generously donated to those still experiencing anxiety concerning the future price of education at TWU.

Price: one year’s tuition

Personal Hygiene Assistant

Ever been frustrated by drippy nostrils whenever you step outside into the frosty winter air? Suffer no more! Not only does this state of the art nose-blower provide a convenient way to deal with that seasonal runny nose, but it also makes a fabulous fashion statement. You can even add earmuffs for warmth!

Price: One flu shot followed by one week of the flu
Also Available In: Double-ply

Travel Companion

Are you frustrated by watching all those gleeful carloads of commuters in the HOV lane pass you by? Glare with envy no longer! Not only will this swank business exec make you lonely and single commuters look cool, you’ll have an instant all-access pass to that coveted HOV lane. This trusty friend is not just for looks – he can also serve as a tobaggan in case your car breaks down on top of a snowy hill!

Price: Two traffic violations and one impounded vehicle

Box of Nothing

Do you think that Christmas is a celebration of nihilism with the people you hate? Can’t think of a good gift idea to personify that idea? Give the joyous gift of nothing! Reveal how you really think about Christmas with this box of nothingness disguised as a cheery present. Not only will they think that you actually put effort into wrapping this gift, but the chosen reciever will feel overwhelmed with gratitude that you considered them worthy of sharing your Christmas despair.

Price: One lifetime of angst and worry
Available in: beige, grey, off-white and neutral