The Community Standards are unfair!
We're a community, not a commune
July 4, 2005
Carson Mills
Its wheezes and coughs became fewer and farther between. What was once a triumphant “NYEEEEEAH!” had become a faint and forlorn “nuh.” Its once long and glorious mane was now matted down by dirt and drying blood. Its eyes were shutting. There was only a tiny opening that gave any indication of the amount of vigor this great beast once had. Then, in an instant, the eyelids clamped together for good. The horse was dead. Now I must beat it until it is destroyed.
First, I grabbed a baseball bat to institute some surface blows. I laughed maniacally as I stood over the horse’s corpse. The legs were my first targets. WHACK! WHACK! My fervor grew with each crippling blow to the once sturdy and strong hindquarters. WHACK! WHACK! Oh, the power I felt. Take that you dirty, rotten stallion corpse. Oh Palomino, how I love to beat you to a pulp!
But alas, attacking its surface is not enough. I must scoop out this beast’s insides. Onto the pitchfork I go! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! SPLURT! The blood sprayed everywhere with each subsequent pitchfork incision. Whatta mess! Tis far more gruesome than I possibly could have hoped. CRUNCH! CRUNCH! SPLURT! Take that horsey! That’s what you get for being dead. Muahahahahahahaha.
What’s that sitting in the corner? Is that… why, I think it is. Ladies and gentlemen, a chainsaw! RREEAGGHHH! Boy oh boy, horse bones are difficult to cut through. I will stay the course, though. Despite already being dead, the horse shall receive no special favor from me. RREEEAAGGGGHHH! Ooh, goody, a soft spot! Who woulda thunk that a horse’s neck would be so tender? This is glorious! Glorious! I clamor for the sweet nectar of power. Yummers. I can almost see this horse transforming into glue before my very eyes. With each subsequent attack, this mangled horsemeat looks more and more like a bowl of Pet Chow.
I must stand back from my great defamation. It’s a beautiful sight. I have taken something lifeless and killed it. Killed it until it died. The horse carcass is scattered all around me. How proud you all must be of me and the fruits of my joyous labour. I wonder how this horse died in the first place.
Now you go...
Got something to say?