The Objective guide to Objectification
How to judge others on the important things in life
December 5, 2007
Jesse Dunning
People often tell you not to judge a book by its cover. This principle is bunk. Publishers know what they are doing; if they think a book is good, they will give it a snazzy picture and a cool title so that you know it’s worth paying attention to. The same principle can easily be applied to people.
We are far too concerned with looking at people on the inside and trying to fight past external things, like when someone smells like week-old garbage wrapped in wet dog hair. It doesn’t matter if someone loves fluffy kittens and writes music that can make your soul melt; if they have a face that would give Frankenstein’s monster dry heaves, you just want to avoid them as much as humanly possible.
Nevertheless, sometimes there are intermediate cases that can be difficult to judge, like when someone is really good looking, but has a silly voice. How is one to judge their worth as a human being? Some categories aren’t as easy to critique as looks and physique. The process can be frustrating, time consuming, and difficult. To help with this, I’ve compiled a list of a few of the categories you should consider when attempting to gauge the worth of your fellow humans.
Breath is an important category when judging others. Remember, the most important thing that comes out of your mouth isn’t the words: it’s the odour. You should discreetly smell your friends’ breath the next time they speak to you. The ideal breath is of course minty fresh, although neutral odour is acceptable. If it smells like a small animal recently died in their stomach, it might be time to look for a new friend. This principle also applies to body odour.
Judging people according to their major is another crucial skill, especially in university. Human kinetics majors are barely literate; business majors are consumed with greed; psychology majors are arrogant; humanities majors are unemployable; science majors are emotional robots; and general studies majors are indecisive. While everyone at university is defective in some crucial way, HKIN should be the preferred major for your fellow students, as you will seldom feel intellectually challenged in their presence. If you yourself are an HKIN major, my condolences.
Vocabulary is another important consideration. Once again, it doesn’t matter what people say, it just matters what types of words they use. People who use big, complicated words are smart, and deserve respect. People who use short, rude words are cool, and thus worthy of your attention. Avoid at all costs those who use short polite words, because they are most likely stupid and boring.
Last, but certainly not least, is of course the old standby of judging people according to how they dress. Ideally, people should have expensive clothes, preferably conforming to the latest fashion trends. In the interest of allowing this article to pass the test of time, I will refrain from singling out particular styles since, as Oscar Wilde once noted, “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” Ugliness is of course irrelevant, as the only real measure of fashion is what rich and famous people happen to be wearing. Conform to that, and you’ll do alright. If you see someone wearing clothes that are old, ripped or of poor quality, they are socially undesirable and should be shunned with extreme prejudice. There is one exception to this rule, which is when someone has a lot of money and wears tattered clothes anyway, in which case they are actually hip and edgy.
If you follow these simple rules, you will be well on your way to simplifying your relationship with the world. Don’t let anyone trick you with talk of inner beauty, personality and souls. These are traps designed by ugly people to make them socially desirable. So give being shallow a chance. It worked for Paris Hilton; it could work for you too.
Now you go...
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