Tom Gage & Thor wrestle with metaphor
Editor’s note - this is perhaps the craziest article I’ve ever read
February 20, 2007
Tom Gage
Recently someone, friend or foe, brought to my attention the power of metaphor. As we all know, “metaphor” is French for “crap.” Sadly, most people at this godly university don’t know French, so I have decided to step out and give everyone a lesson in linguistics. So off we go, on a trip, way up there, in the stars, to the land, the street of metaphor.
In the beginning was the metaphor, and everywhere we looked all we saw was the metaphor. And we loved the metaphor, and we hugged the metaphor, and we worshipped the metaphor, for the metaphor smelled better than potpourri, and the metaphor was nicer than a fairy, and the metaphor could sing better than ol’ Frankie.
But there was one thing we could never see coming, and that thing was the metaphor’s arch-enemy: the great Nordic god Thor. Now contrary to popular belief, Thor was actually a very small man. He had tiny shoulders and even smaller eyes. On the other hand, he liked baseball. He liked it so much that he could eat a whole hot dog. But Thor had to content himself with the next best thing - namely, polo.
It came to pass that one morning Thor was polo-ing in the gardens of Babylon when he spied with his little eye the metaphor who’d met with a shady-looking man for a drug deal only three gardens down.
“Ach,” Thor said in a heavy German-ish accented voice, “Der ist mein ark-enemy, der met-a-for. I’m going to break it, und burn it, und turn it into a meta-poor!”
Proud of his self-perceived intellectual and semantic superiority, Thor jumped down to his foe, calling out as he tumbled down, “Hey, you der! Meta-whore! Let’s end zis!”
But if you’re the metaphor, and you’ve just met with a shady-looking man for a drug deal, and all of a sudden a god named Thor from folklore, calls you a meta-whore, hoping to make of you a meta-poor, while tumbling down from three gardens up, you would take a blow to the core of your pride.
And the metaphor took it sorely. Maybe it was because the metaphor was busted, but it certainly did not look its best. Still, without thinking twice, the metaphor literally murdered Thor.
So Thor was destroyed, and with him all of that hokey Nordic folklore.
But the point I’m making is that maybe the metaphor’s not all we make it out to be. Maybe - I don’t know - maybe the metaphor’s not so good. I mean, how much respect does a drug-smuggling, murderous, racist allegory deserve? Would you let it baby-sit your kids? Would you pay $50 to see it in concert? Would you even elect it as the UN Secretary General? I don’t think so.
So give it up man! It’s not worth it. I know, the first few days of withdrawal are tough. I promise my next work will be a self-help book entitled, Facing the Metaphor. But until then, hang in there buddy, and don’t fall off the wagon.
Now you go...
One Response to “Tom Gage & Thor wrestle with metaphor”
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Is this any chance I could get my 3 mins back?