Where’s the “grin” in Grinchmas?
December 9, 2005
Mike Hazeltine
It’s that time of year again. What time, you ask? I would tell you, if I were allowed. I would love to tell you the name of the season that will soon be upon us (and I don’t mean winter) but I dare not, for fear that I may offend some delicate and politically sensitive ears. Instead, I will cleverly disguise the season in question, referring to it in vague, inclusive language. Let’s call it “the holiday season.” Hmmm, and what might be the occasion for this holiday, one might ask? The politically correct response: “Because it’s winter, silly.” Ah yes. Winter. Thank you for reminding me of the true reason for the season: the sun’s rays are hitting the earth at a slightly more obtuse angle than at other times of the year, causing the temperature in the northern hemisphere to drop significantly, so everybody gets a couple of days off work and gives each other ornately wrapped gifts. It’s all becoming so clear.
But let’s not limit our inclusiveness to speaking only of the season in general; after all, there are so many winter holiday traditions that are blatantly offensive.
Perhaps this year, instead of building a snowman, my little sister and I will create a snowperson of an indistinguishable gender. Sounds like fun. It would look really nice next to our festively decorated “holiday tree.” After building a snowperson, and decorating the holiday tree, we could gather ‘round the fire and sing seasonal, non-religious songs like “I’m dreaming of a many-hued winter season” or “O come all ye Faithful, Atheists, and Agnostics,” or (my personal favorite) “Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species.” That last one will really liven up a party.
Oh, and don’t expect that jolly old fellow who is sometimes seen in malls to show up this year. Apparently, the guy in the red suit is loosely based on a historical figure that may or may not have had ties to a certain religious group. If we let him go prancing around saying stuff like “ho ho ho” and “Merry @#*!$%mas”, who knows who he might offend.
Yes, our inclusive winter holiday is much better than the traditional holiday that some rubes still seem to want to celebrate. No one is offended, no one is hurt, and best of all, no one is insulted with the affronting news that God Himself loved us enough to send his Son into the world. Happy Holid… who am I kidding? Merry Christmas!
Now you go...
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